AHHHHH, YOU GUYS! AHHH TILL THE END OF TIME! archer's season finale was what, like, a whole week ago? and i still haven't said anything about this show? WHAT UP WITH THAT? and it's especially crazy that i haven't broken my silence re: archer because i love it so much. like, seriously? ever since the untimely demise of 70/30 productions, and, subsequently, its creations frisky dingo and sealab: 2021 (RIP, pour one out for the annihilatrix and grizzlebee's onion bursts, respectively), i have had a hole in my heart that seemingly no adult cartoon could fill. i resorted to empty sex, as is my way, but no amount of monotonous boning via worthless TV programming was enough. I HAD A HUNGER. A DESIRE. A FIRE. ALL THE MAKINGS OF A HIT 80s ROCK BALLAD.
then archer came along. and i was like, what is this? what will this be? i found it comforting that the animation style was so much like frisky dingo's, and like a soft blanket you jacked from your gram's place because it smelled like childhood (cheap beer and plastic furniture covers in the summer), i wrapped myself up in it and settled in.
and oh my god. archer blew my mind. to be fair though, my mind is pretty easy. you don't know how many times i've had to stop my brain and be like, "dude, come on. he doesn't actually drive a benz. and his condo is a crack den. just because he dances well and bought you a drink doesn't mean you should go home with him tonight. brain! brain! don't get in that car! i'm calling you a cab. YOU'RE DRUNK." even still, i thought archer was great. i slowly felt that hole in my heart start to fill up until there wasn't one anymore. it was nice and smooth, like the part of the road near my house that got re-paved.
anyway, i could go on all day about how great the sharp writing and the casting (oh my god, JESSICA WALTERS WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH FOR TWO ROLES: LUCILLE BLUTH AND MALORY ARCHER. I'M SERIOUS. WE'RE DONE HERE. and fuckkkkkk meeeee with a chaaaiiinnsaaaw i am so glad to see h. jon benjamin back on a cartoon. i missed him so hard post-home movies. you know that scene where coach mcguirk is trying to become a bartender but keeps failing and ends up drunk on all the ridiculously bad cocktails he's mixed at home for himself? you know that's basically a metaphor for my life? oh, thought you knew.) are and how perfect ALL of it is, because it ALL is, but mostly i want to talk about how meaningful the season finale ("dial m for mother") was to me. it like, took all these warm, fuzzy feelings i had, bought them a pretty little princess dress and a corsage, and escorted them to the senior prom of MY HEART. it was, in a nutshell, EVERYTHING i missed about frisky dingo. everything i watched archer for. everything i love about adult cartoons. and more. ANDDDD MORRRREEEE.
without giving away any of the storyline, because it's pretty interesting, i just want to point out a few things that got me in *here* (by 'here' i definitely mean heart. not mouth, you jerk! IT'S NOT ALWAYS FOODFOODFOOD with me, you know!):
- the constant use of the word "sploosh." x-tacles, anybody? "boosh"? classic catchphrase. sploosh took me there. took me back to the days of saying BOOSH! after everything.
- how much pam reminds me of valerie, killface's former assistant. like, JESUS. she's hell-bent on getting someone to sleep with her and she possesses that same bitter, cynical, annoyed view of the world. seriously, the parallels between the two of them light up my world.
- the running steuben bar glass set joke! AHHHH, YOU GUYS! flashbacks to simon and the bowls! "THAT'S OUR LAST BOWL!" tears in my eyes. glow in my heart.
and yes, archer does have its moments of ableism and sexism, but i can appreciate that they're acknowledged as character flaws vs the family guy method of shrugging, muttering, "welp!" and accepting that a baby is just going to be racist. BECAUSE WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, RIGHT? it also bothers me somewhat how lana's body is illustrated: big tits, tiny waist, skimpy clothes, does a lot of gun shooting in lingerie. it's a little too lara croft for me but WHATEVER, GUYS! NOTHING'S PERFECT!
so basically i just want infinite seasons of archer forever and ever until i die. or until the jokes get stale and make me lose the will to live. i'm looking at you, the office.