bodily organs should not be used as tissues, but i get the feeling that is what you want me to do!

above you is the trailer for the new-ish (in america, at least) movie, paris, which i saw last friday and nearly died from. you know how the english thought of love, actually and then america was like, "man, i gotta get all up in that action!" and made something sort of resembling love, actually and i forget the title of it and NO I WON'T look it up because you didn't come here for the acute accuracy of or hard-hitting facts. i know you came here because i promised you candy, and you will get it, don't worry, but for now just hear me out over here.

so anyway america wanted a love, actually but little did they know france was so far ahead of them, they couldn't even see them. because paris is basically france's love, actually (which i am going to stop saying now because my quota has been filled, i can collect my check, and go spend it on a few slices of pizza and a large rootbeer to cry into), only it's a little less cheesy (as if france's version of "cheesy" would be at all like the velveeta tinted nonsense we've come to know in america. velveeta tinted, i tell you!) and way more sad.

should i set up the plot for you? now, don't look so wary, i'll be gentle. take your hands off your eyes. stop being a baby.

so basically you have this guy, pierre, who was a great dancer a few years back, in the chorus lines and stuff, whatever france's broadway is. then he gets sick and the doctors diagnose with him a fatal heart condition and that is very *sobsob* sad because it means his body will weaken and then no more dancing! send in the clowns! cake's out in the rain! etc etc! muy depressing.

he tells his sister elise, played by juliette binoche (who is basically like a golden calf to whose feet i fall and whisper "i'm not worthy, i'm not worthy" in a totally wayne and garth-esque tone) is like, "dude, i'm gonna help you." he's like, "girrrrrrl please don't"and she's like, "nuh uh, mon frere. deeds is DONE." so she moves in and stays with him and she's working her job and being the mother of three kids (she's divorced from her husband) and having a little crushy-crush on the guy that works at the market (because who wouldn't love a guy who could hook you up with free lychees and say the lettuce heads looked ugly like you when you turned down their offer for a date?! WHO WOULDN'T?!)

pierre lives across the street from laetitia, who's in school studying french art and history and who's also BANGIN' (if i may be so crass, because f'reals, homegirl has it going on) and he develops a crush on her but she's basically a lemon tart and has a boyfriend while she's leading on her professor roland, who is looking so crazy in love, beyonce style and is verily crushed when he finds out miss cheater is, well, cheating on him. even after he dances to little richard in front of her. she clearly doesn't understand the balls it takes to do that, but whatever! she can go run off with the annoying good looking guy with the polo sweater! that is what you do!

there are also a ton of other players in this that have their own intertwining stories and basically the whole thing is so, so, so, so good and no dramatic musical numbers occur, which is great for me because musicals make me break out in a rash like i just got drunk and slept with poison ivy. plus the soundtrack is beautiful. lots of soft, classical jams that make you tear up and weep into your hot popcorn, which adds a ton of small hissing, popping noises to the wonderful music. you're like giving it a backup track. YOU'RE WELCOME, MUSIC.

and the whole thing is so lovely and this tale of a sick, kind man in love with life and the world and love is so heartfelt and touching that by the end of it, i was basically soaking in my own salty tears and sadness and hope. it was a weird combination and i had to wash all my clothes when it was over. fucking french movies! it basically ripped out my heart and used it for its paint by numbers kit. you know what movie? i hope the purplish blue looks good on the paper. because it looked great in my heart!

E

why am i not dead yet?!

so. another year. one more step on the staircase of death. one more floor in the elevator of my own demise. just kidding! i'm actually excited to be one year older! it means i'm doing something right because i'm still alive! in your face everybody who wishes i was dead. (probably no one, but maybe everyone, and you've got to put it in someone's face, right? correct.) but you guys aren't here for the self-reflection and the navel gazing, you're here for the CAKE!

well you can't have any! because this is the internet. and you can't eat anything off it. YET.

until the future becomes a reality, let's take a look back on all that's happened to me last year. LOAD UP THE SLIDESHOW MICKEY. settle in.

since my last birthday, i've moved to LA, worked at a dry cleaner's, been to fashion parties, met internet famous LA'ers, met a cool gal named V, gotten blackout drunk in front of adults and children (and then somehow managed to vomit on my bangs? how does that happen?), started blogging for missbehave, watched the inevitable and sadly unstoppable undoing of missbehave, became friends/lived with sarah morrison and olivia allin (whom i love), met my awesome new best friend jasmine, gotten to see tim and eric live and it's always sunny in philadelphia presents: the nightman cometh, eaten truckloads of tacos, gotten to see amazing indie movies, gone to the coolest shows (seriously i never thought i would ever get to see animal collective, white rabbits, asobi seksu, and camera obscura live. never ever ever), started writing for buzzine, and pretty much gotten to live it up. i honestly never thought my life would be this amazing and that it would all come so fast, but that's LA for you, i guess.

(sidenote: shoutout to everyone that's held out their hand to me and help me cross the proverbial street this year: sarah, meghan, lillian, sam, and sydney jane. if it wasn't for all of you i maybe would be dead. if not dead on the outside i'd be dead on the inside. wahhh, the emo! not really, but you guys have all helped me way more than you know. THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU.)

LA is pretty cool and while i probably can't see myself living here for the rest of my life, i do see myself settling down here for quite a while. maybe i'll get a coldwater flat in that cool little space between echo park and downtown. maybe probably! i could be maybe dead by then!

SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! i'm not dead and that's cool! i hopefully won't be dead for a bit so good morning, and in case i don't see you, good afternoon, and goodnight.

E

(ps: the above is a picture of my mom's dog wearing my glasses. i'm a photographer. it's deep. hire me.)