i've made a grave mistake

above these words is the trailer for irene in time, the movie i ACCIDENTALLY INADVERTENTLY saw today as a result of me walking into the wrong theatre at the movies. it was the worst thing i've ever accidentally done on a tuesday ever, in my whole life. except for the accident i almost got into about 45 min prior. FORGET THE MINOR DETAILS. LET'S MAKE A CASE!

okay so basically this movie is about irene who's sad because her dad got in a boat and sailed away to boat heaven (OR SO THEY HAVE US THINK!!!) when she was little and now she can't date because she's trying to find a man like her dad. okay god/world. i didn't have a dad growing up. is this cosmic synergy trying to tell me something? fine. i'm in the theatre and i'm stuck because my desired feature started twenty minutes ago. I'M LISTENING. TELL ME YOUR STORY.

so irene thinks she has to follow dating rules and whatnot to get a guy. she has tons of books. she reads them in the pool. they don't seem to work for her. CUT TO scene of her with "current" boyfriend. they're in her room and she's eating food off his plate and chewing loudly and is generally annoying. he leaves. SURPRISE! but it's not because she eats like a cow chewing gum and is loud, it's because HE'S not right for her. the rules, you guys! the rules ain't working! oh noeeessss!

also she's a singer. she sings these awful songs that were originally written by the lady who did the soundtrack. they sound like the end result of setting a jukebox from 1983 on super easy listening. one song is about finding love in starbucks. can't have that kind of crosspromotion, irene! i see all too easily what you did there! (sidenote: there's also a scene where she's sitting next to a table with a pink can of Tab on it. nostaligic crosspromotion! for the record i no longer drink Tab. i have graduated to just getting wasted every night. i am an adult and these are my words!)

so where were we? ahhh yes. so she meets this guy. well, "meets" is a loose term because he is her producer. he is also 'roided out of his mind and sorta looks like he could benchpress me or whatever. he scares me. and i want him to cut his hair and stop looking at everyone like they're his next meal. but irene likes him and that's what's important. i'm here for her. all the best. RIGHT. she doesn't know she lurves him yet though, so she keeps dating.

she meets a guy who's nice but weird and says stupid one-liner type things like, "we will all laugh at gilded butterflies." not really. he is not that smart. not really either. she hates him and dumps him and then it's back to the bathrobe and the wine and the solitaire. THE SINGLE GIRL'S LIFE FORREAL Y'ALL.

this just in! her old ex is back in LA and wants to go to dinner with her. COOL! but he wants to double date. oh boy, what'll she do now? easy. get her lesbian friend to do her a solid! because that's what lesbians are here for! to go on dates with your ex's friends.

so on that date she and her ex go to the bar and talk, leaving the lesbian and dude sitting there. the dude decides she is who he was waiting for (of course!) and asks her out. this is maybe 20 minutes deep into the "date." she says, "you know i am into women. sorry." he kisses her and then she says, "no sir. i will not take your offer for which i would glady date a woman tomorrow." something like that. back to irene. her ex, who hasn't seen her for seis years wants to marry her. MOVIE OVER! not. because irene's a traditionalist and they haven't even seen each other for twenty minutes yet for god's sake! so she says no. sad panda.

CUT TO the roundtable of women in their over-thirties hanging around talking about their daddies. "my daddy was DA BEST. FOR SERIOUS. HE COULD HAVE BEAT YOUR DAD HARD IN A CORPORATE SOFTBALL GAME"..."my daddy was never around. i hate him"..."my dad was so aloof! ALOOOOOOOOOF! 'tis a word i learned today on the internet. it describes my dad perfectly!" it's so sad! it's like drivin' and cryin' but they're sitting in plastic white lawn chairs wearing bathrobes! it's so weird and uncomfy but i can't look away because a part of me wants to walk out of the theatre!

i almost did. but damnit, i paid my six dollars and bought a fucking drink! so i stayed.

so then they're all eating lunchdinner outside. everyone's there. all friends, all family. irene talks to her mom about her dad and her mom's like, "men suck. do it for yourself." irene is sadfaced. CUT TO the lesbian and her mom. she's finally coming out. her mom is shockedface. she's like, "how long have you known?" (because when the stork makes you gay he mails you a confirmation letter and then you KNOW you're gay) and the daughter's all like, "well i used to have crushes on girls but i dated guys and then you and dad made me all angsty and i dated girls." because lesbianism and homosexuality is a form of teenage rebellion! you guys, this is it! we've cracked the code. let's infiltrate the high schools already.

CUT TO one scene where irene and lesbian friend are hanging out with straight and lesbian friends. lesbian #1 is like, "irene kiss her!" lesbian #2 is all smiles. they kiss. because homosexuality is fun! it can be a big fun experiment! get more wine! let's try again! they keep going with other people. it's like girl's night out but no one's standing on the bar and they are in the living room. sadface.

also creepy producer guy is 'bout it, 'bout it with irene. they hang out and kiss and things are greeeat. so she's found a guy. mazeltov! she doesn't need those books anymore. so they have a book burning party because irene is secretly a communist. and she needs to make sure no one else gets those books ever. NO ONE. no one except the fire god, because she must appease him so that he doesn't rip her eyes out while she sleeps. so she sets those pages aflame! a part of me dies inside when this happens. it is still dead.

NOW they're going to move out of their huge villa (villa coola). irene lives in the guesthouse. she is like thirtybillion and living in the guesthouse. she's like will smith and carlton but not as cool because jazzy jeff never comes over. lord knows how many times she invites him. he, too, is ALOOOOOOF! anyway, moving party. enter irene's BRITISH MOTHER WEARING A PINK CHENILLE THROW! because she is old and british. and irene is american! hmmmmm....

in her bedroom, irene is just farting around and finds this hidden secret hatbox that she's somehow missed seeing for fifteen some-odd years. in it are all these pictures. and a leather jacket, so she can look badass. oh, it isn't so she can look badass? pointless, then! the pictures are of this woman who is oldish and brunette and thin looking. irene must find her.

and find her she does. at the catalina jazz club, where all your dreams come true. she introduces herself and blahblahblah it turns out her father knew that lady. she gives her a russian doll set. irene's like, "cool, but what is this?" she's like, "for srs dood? you don't know what this is?" she's like, "okay byeeeee." END SCENE.

then we dig rull rull deep and it turns out the singer lady is irene's real mom. this still doesn't explain why irene is a REDHEAD. i don't believe she's related to anyone. nope. so everyone's sadfaced but then irene's like, "it's whatever i don't care who my mom is. i gotta be finding my papa!" so she opens the russian dolls. the last two are taped. say what (karoake)? it's because there's a message in them. the msg says, go to the sea or whatever! so she does!

and she begins to walk into the ocean and then all of a sudden i'm like, "is she gonna go straight into the ocean? is she gonna die?" i was on the fucking edge of my seat with excitement you people. but she did not die. she found her father who had just been sailin' around for like twenty years. ain't no thang.

OH ALSO the producer guy is married and with child. he left irene and broke the news to her at the airport. because he is an asshole and he's got to get home to benchpress his wife and child.

i hated that movie.

E

bup bup bup!

(that shirt is only 33.00! it used to be 110.00 dudes!)

i can see you all are clearly busy moving about your daily lives and whatnot but if i could have your attention for ONE SECOND please? thank you!

karmaloop is having yet another MAYJAHH sale you guys. por serio. 50-85% off. it's a little bit ridiculous, actually. RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME. i was just trolling it, y'know adding shit i can't afford to buy to my cart so i could look at it a little longer before the BILLSBILLSBILLS (can you pay my?) called me away and my bank account shut down my dreams.

(it's actually a bit depressing because the glasses i paid 16.00 for - on sale - are now 4.75 on sale. relativity, people, relativity.)

but you guys look like you have some money! head over to k-loop and shop your streetwear loving hearts out. but do it soon because this sale only lasts for another two days. so, till wednesday. i mean it guys, DO IT. and if you haven't gotten this princess of the posse top by now (um, what?!), you can get it on the mad cheap.

now you have your mission. by reading this post in its entirety, you have chosen to accept it. go forth, be free, and buy america!

E

in which TV is clearly out to destroy my heart and soul.

(photo via mtv.com or whatevskis)

you guys can i be real for a second?

i love TV. like i fucking love it. if there was a way for an electronic device/digital cable stream and a woman to be joined together in holy matrimony, i would've swam into the pacific and climbed onto that boat a long time ago.

but why does everything i love have to hurt me in return? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS? THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU!

this is probs my fault (that's okay TV...it was never you...it was always me, i know it) because i threw myself into the big masochistic pit of fire also known as watching MTV so in turn i suppose i brought this on myself. i MADE myself watch college life and the phone. i did this.

basically college life is this dipshit - sorry, innovative and compelling, TV show wherein some college freshmen are followed by cameras at ALL times and they talk and sob and wear school hoodies and apparently all attend some kind of prison style college deep in madison, WI. basically i can't stand it because i live(d) it. not to mention MTV just ripped ITSELF off. i wasn't in college back then, but i distinctly remember loving (despite the almost tangible shitty qualities those shows emitted from my TV screen) sorority life and fraternity life. so good going there MTV. you beat yourself to your own original concept like five years ago.

let me synopsize this fucksenserey for you. there are a handful of kids involved but you only need to know about two:

alex: she is 19. she is a bonerkill. this girl is like one walking livejournal entry and all the entry tags are FML. she's like "waaaaah waaaah boys won't put their penises in my vagina! i have no hope with dudes for the rest of my life! the boy i like didn't text me after we watched one tree hill together waaaahhhh even after i put an 'i like you. check yes or no' note in his locker!!! wahhh!!!" okay i know colleges don't have lockers but you see where i am going with this. essentially she is what i am slowly but surely becoming.

no one said i was proud of it you guys. no one.

and then you have kevin. he is everyone's bro-dude. if you give a mouse a cookie, he'll like ask you for milk or something (don't really remember) but if you give kevin a few hours, he'll make you a party. like a mysterious and magical little keebler elf whose medium is hard liquor and red plastic cups. he is that guy that you will want to punch repeatedly in the face sober, but who's meaty arm you will more than gladly cling to when blackout drunk. (you will probably say "more, more, more! and tell me that one story of how you once sucker punched your seven year old neighbor when he took your frisbee! holy shit did you just pull that red cup from behind my ear?! i love you because you're magic! pour me more sam adams!) i imagine the following things go through his head on an hourly basis:

"tits! i hate math! this baseball caps is too tight! tits! ass! i love college! asher roth! i love drinking! i love women! miller lite! beer pong! man, i really appreciate how hard my parents worked so that i could go to school despite the poor grades i achieved in high...whoops! TITS! ASS! DRINKINGSMOKINGSEXCOLLEGE!"

college life is an epic fail of a television show. you guys at MTV want drama? you should have let me film my dorm experience. bitches were threatning to pee on my washcloths and get their sisters to beat me up. because of loofahs and thermostats!!!! there was some diddy approved dramz going down dudes. did i get a show? no. does that leave me feeling bitter? no... does that make me not want to watch this one? YESYESYES.

i was also going to talk about the phone (ay dios mio) but because i have spent so much time ranting about this fuckery, i will just leave it with this equation i have created (in my opinion) perfectly summarizing what you've got here:

mtv's the phone: phonebooth + eagle eye + M.I. - colin farrell - being interesting + money + teenagers.

there's some cloverfield style filming and mildly (like, mild salsa mild) intense and dramz music thrown in for good measure.

TV WE CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. GET IT TOGETHER. IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE. WE CAN WORK IT OUT. but the sadfaced kids, fleshbeards, gripping reality television, and all other no-noes must GO.

E

my momz is bring the dramz

so it is OH-FISH-IYAL. my mom is en route to california, where she will live permanently and be annoying and get all in my face about every little thing imaginable and drive me even more batshit craze than i already am. i WISH i was one of those people who have awesomesauce relationships with their mothers and can phone them up and talk about anything and maybe enjoy a glass of wine together and laugh and share and hold hands and buttercups buttercups buttercups. but i don't.

i'm not entirely dreading having my mom here (since she lived in LA way back in the day but also forever so she can help me out when and if i get lost on the mean streets and she can take care of me on days when i feel sick instead of me just dragging all my blankets and pillows in front of the television and drinking sprite until i throw up and feel better) but i really liked that she was on the other end of the country. i could do whatever whenever however and there wasn't a single thing she could do about it if she wanted to. this whole "over the phone" parenting method was really working out for me.

this whole situation is grrrrr inducing at times and i won't lie, sometimes i seriously debate over whether i should have stayed in atlanta. yeah, i really do. but whatever. it's too late to do anything except grab my board and ride this wave out. plus t-minus one month (por serio hoping) until i'm out the valley and in the big city. this move is going to happen and my moms coming is a big motivator.

so basically now i'm consolidating my shit to make this move is smooth, easy, and QUICKQUICKQUICK as possible and my life is in such a topsy turvy state right now that i don't even know where to start.

E

l-o-v-e is a four letter word.

dear diary,

i met a beautiful, incredible, wondermazing boy. his name is delocated. he stays up really late on sundays and always makes me laugh. he's brilliant. he is sophisticated enough for nat shermans but down to earth enough for cheap beer in a dirty bar. we hang out every weekend and one of these days i am going to let him touch me in my warm places. seriously, diary. i think i will marry him. when he's not in my life, things are all wrong. and i break out tons. i think it's from the stress of not having him. but when he's back, it's like the world is perfect again, diary. perfect. he's it for me.

i love you so much diary don't ever tell my secrets!

me

wondermazingment

(img via the sartorialist)

holy hot hell on a sidewalk in the middle of july in an arizona desert somebody get me those shoes. i think the toes are carved into the shapes of hearts? sweetjesus on high, toss me the respirator because it just got TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL up in here. i am betting those shoes have a chunky heel, which is perfecto, and the fact that they have an ankle strap makes me want to put on lacy white tights, a watermelon colored minidress, and dance in the moonlight a la king harvest on a crazy margarita bender. put it together. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

also that skirt is high-fiving god with its epic awesomosity but really guys, really, i NEED THOSE SHOES. you know how t.i. wants your body? you know how he needs your body? you know as long as you got him you won't need nobody?

well that's how i feel about those shoes. all of that. and more. someone can go ahead and box them up for me, size 10, and fed-ex them right over to my lair aka my HQ. we serve cookies here. 24/7. they taste like angels' wings fluttering on your tastebuds. it all makes sense.

thanks in advance and i love you all like the sisters that weren't super bitchy to me in middle school.

E

"are you already drunk? wait, were you drunk when you got here?"

soooo i got tagged by sarah to do this survey and so i guess i will now. i've never been good with introductions which is probably why 90% of LA has deemed me un-dateable. i will say though that it's nice to get back in the groove of talking to you guys. so what do we do now? hug? campfire stories? french braid each other's hair and chew gum? buy zimas and pretend it's 1999 again? i'm confused. whatevskis. oh also, i don't tag anyone else because i don't know anyone who would actually do this thing that hasn't already so i guess you guys can just read it and pray to your deity of choice that you don't live inside this mind o' mine.

What is your current obsession? food!
What are you wearing right now? burgundy leggings and my ex's van's hoodie
Who was the last person you hugged? my cool new friend sydney jane! she is bombawesome and she gave me a gift card to trader joes!
If you were a tree, what tree would you be? weeping willow. have you ever sat under one of those things? shade and coolness for DAYS.
What’s for dinner? pasta. again.
What was the last thing you bought? antibiotics
What are you listening to right now? "i don't wanna die" by the unicorns
What is your favourite weather? ummmm...the kind that is warm enough for shorts but cold enough for tights. make sense?
What’s on your beside table? my bedside is a stack of magazines. so there is an alarm clock, two pill bottles, and an empty soda can on my bedside stack of magazines.
Say something to the person/s who tagged you. sarah, you are amazing. v, we need to hang out soon! LA is severely missing our presence!
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? italy.
Where are you typing from right now? my living room.
A book you're currently reading? to be someone by louise voss. sarah lent it to me.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? a lot of fucking money. and maybe chocolate. but somewhere cold. i don't really want it melting in my hands. who made these questions?
What is your favourite tea flavour? lemon
What did you eat for breakfast? a homemade chocolate chip waffle and three slices of pizza
What did you want to become as a child? private eye. i watched a lot of cop/detective shows when i was younger.
What is your fantasy? to own a cherry red keytar with a zebra print strap. oh yessss.

am i done? is that it? i can leave and you'll call me if you're interested? alright. bye.

E