i've made a grave mistake

above these words is the trailer for irene in time, the movie i ACCIDENTALLY INADVERTENTLY saw today as a result of me walking into the wrong theatre at the movies. it was the worst thing i've ever accidentally done on a tuesday ever, in my whole life. except for the accident i almost got into about 45 min prior. FORGET THE MINOR DETAILS. LET'S MAKE A CASE!

okay so basically this movie is about irene who's sad because her dad got in a boat and sailed away to boat heaven (OR SO THEY HAVE US THINK!!!) when she was little and now she can't date because she's trying to find a man like her dad. okay god/world. i didn't have a dad growing up. is this cosmic synergy trying to tell me something? fine. i'm in the theatre and i'm stuck because my desired feature started twenty minutes ago. I'M LISTENING. TELL ME YOUR STORY.

so irene thinks she has to follow dating rules and whatnot to get a guy. she has tons of books. she reads them in the pool. they don't seem to work for her. CUT TO scene of her with "current" boyfriend. they're in her room and she's eating food off his plate and chewing loudly and is generally annoying. he leaves. SURPRISE! but it's not because she eats like a cow chewing gum and is loud, it's because HE'S not right for her. the rules, you guys! the rules ain't working! oh noeeessss!

also she's a singer. she sings these awful songs that were originally written by the lady who did the soundtrack. they sound like the end result of setting a jukebox from 1983 on super easy listening. one song is about finding love in starbucks. can't have that kind of crosspromotion, irene! i see all too easily what you did there! (sidenote: there's also a scene where she's sitting next to a table with a pink can of Tab on it. nostaligic crosspromotion! for the record i no longer drink Tab. i have graduated to just getting wasted every night. i am an adult and these are my words!)

so where were we? ahhh yes. so she meets this guy. well, "meets" is a loose term because he is her producer. he is also 'roided out of his mind and sorta looks like he could benchpress me or whatever. he scares me. and i want him to cut his hair and stop looking at everyone like they're his next meal. but irene likes him and that's what's important. i'm here for her. all the best. RIGHT. she doesn't know she lurves him yet though, so she keeps dating.

she meets a guy who's nice but weird and says stupid one-liner type things like, "we will all laugh at gilded butterflies." not really. he is not that smart. not really either. she hates him and dumps him and then it's back to the bathrobe and the wine and the solitaire. THE SINGLE GIRL'S LIFE FORREAL Y'ALL.

this just in! her old ex is back in LA and wants to go to dinner with her. COOL! but he wants to double date. oh boy, what'll she do now? easy. get her lesbian friend to do her a solid! because that's what lesbians are here for! to go on dates with your ex's friends.

so on that date she and her ex go to the bar and talk, leaving the lesbian and dude sitting there. the dude decides she is who he was waiting for (of course!) and asks her out. this is maybe 20 minutes deep into the "date." she says, "you know i am into women. sorry." he kisses her and then she says, "no sir. i will not take your offer for which i would glady date a woman tomorrow." something like that. back to irene. her ex, who hasn't seen her for seis years wants to marry her. MOVIE OVER! not. because irene's a traditionalist and they haven't even seen each other for twenty minutes yet for god's sake! so she says no. sad panda.

CUT TO the roundtable of women in their over-thirties hanging around talking about their daddies. "my daddy was DA BEST. FOR SERIOUS. HE COULD HAVE BEAT YOUR DAD HARD IN A CORPORATE SOFTBALL GAME"..."my daddy was never around. i hate him"..."my dad was so aloof! ALOOOOOOOOOF! 'tis a word i learned today on the internet. it describes my dad perfectly!" it's so sad! it's like drivin' and cryin' but they're sitting in plastic white lawn chairs wearing bathrobes! it's so weird and uncomfy but i can't look away because a part of me wants to walk out of the theatre!

i almost did. but damnit, i paid my six dollars and bought a fucking drink! so i stayed.

so then they're all eating lunchdinner outside. everyone's there. all friends, all family. irene talks to her mom about her dad and her mom's like, "men suck. do it for yourself." irene is sadfaced. CUT TO the lesbian and her mom. she's finally coming out. her mom is shockedface. she's like, "how long have you known?" (because when the stork makes you gay he mails you a confirmation letter and then you KNOW you're gay) and the daughter's all like, "well i used to have crushes on girls but i dated guys and then you and dad made me all angsty and i dated girls." because lesbianism and homosexuality is a form of teenage rebellion! you guys, this is it! we've cracked the code. let's infiltrate the high schools already.

CUT TO one scene where irene and lesbian friend are hanging out with straight and lesbian friends. lesbian #1 is like, "irene kiss her!" lesbian #2 is all smiles. they kiss. because homosexuality is fun! it can be a big fun experiment! get more wine! let's try again! they keep going with other people. it's like girl's night out but no one's standing on the bar and they are in the living room. sadface.

also creepy producer guy is 'bout it, 'bout it with irene. they hang out and kiss and things are greeeat. so she's found a guy. mazeltov! she doesn't need those books anymore. so they have a book burning party because irene is secretly a communist. and she needs to make sure no one else gets those books ever. NO ONE. no one except the fire god, because she must appease him so that he doesn't rip her eyes out while she sleeps. so she sets those pages aflame! a part of me dies inside when this happens. it is still dead.

NOW they're going to move out of their huge villa (villa coola). irene lives in the guesthouse. she is like thirtybillion and living in the guesthouse. she's like will smith and carlton but not as cool because jazzy jeff never comes over. lord knows how many times she invites him. he, too, is ALOOOOOOF! anyway, moving party. enter irene's BRITISH MOTHER WEARING A PINK CHENILLE THROW! because she is old and british. and irene is american! hmmmmm....

in her bedroom, irene is just farting around and finds this hidden secret hatbox that she's somehow missed seeing for fifteen some-odd years. in it are all these pictures. and a leather jacket, so she can look badass. oh, it isn't so she can look badass? pointless, then! the pictures are of this woman who is oldish and brunette and thin looking. irene must find her.

and find her she does. at the catalina jazz club, where all your dreams come true. she introduces herself and blahblahblah it turns out her father knew that lady. she gives her a russian doll set. irene's like, "cool, but what is this?" she's like, "for srs dood? you don't know what this is?" she's like, "okay byeeeee." END SCENE.

then we dig rull rull deep and it turns out the singer lady is irene's real mom. this still doesn't explain why irene is a REDHEAD. i don't believe she's related to anyone. nope. so everyone's sadfaced but then irene's like, "it's whatever i don't care who my mom is. i gotta be finding my papa!" so she opens the russian dolls. the last two are taped. say what (karoake)? it's because there's a message in them. the msg says, go to the sea or whatever! so she does!

and she begins to walk into the ocean and then all of a sudden i'm like, "is she gonna go straight into the ocean? is she gonna die?" i was on the fucking edge of my seat with excitement you people. but she did not die. she found her father who had just been sailin' around for like twenty years. ain't no thang.

OH ALSO the producer guy is married and with child. he left irene and broke the news to her at the airport. because he is an asshole and he's got to get home to benchpress his wife and child.

i hated that movie.

E

Everything's Better With Porno!

Soooo...as sadcute as it is to admit, I didn't have anything better to do tonight than go see a movie by myself. It was either that or sit home eating those fancypants Stouffer's TV dinners that I bought on sale from Ralph's 10 for 10.00, but those were just glorified Kid Cuisines (remember those? My epic domestic fail mawm basically fed those to me at least three times a week during mid to late childhood), so I chose the former option.

I went to the theatre and after a brief scuffle with a man with a super intense stutter and overflowing amounts of pedo-creepiness (for surrious sir, I don't want a boyfriend on the side and even if I'm lying by saying I'm still in high school, you shouldn't be hitting on me) I sat down to watch this lovely piece of cinema entitled Serbis with the other eight people in the theatre.

I'm not gonna sit here and be like, "Ooooh, it made you think and it was soooo arthouse and good and even though you're not gonna get it, you, like, get it, man. You just get it." Because you won't and it isn't and I didn't and two hours later, I still don't know what I saw. Plus it had subtitles. And the sneak-uppy kind that don't hit you until three scenes into the movie when everyone stops speaking English and starts speaking this English/Spanish/Filipino hybrid and the subtitles kick in.

Um, basically it's about this family that lives in this huge theatre where they also, oh, you know, just happen to show pornos. Pretty run of the mill. All the gays come to the theatre and then sell their bodies (totally just thought of that to the tune of Mariah's "Touch My Body") and so while the movie's running, everyone's pretty much sucking dick for dollars or pesos or chocolate coins or whatever the currency in the movie is (I'm not really sure) and then a goat turns up and then a girl gets pregnant (this is not a spoiler) and trannies give "strutting" lessons. The house is pretty cool though, really big and ornate with a fuckload of stairs. I mean seriously, by now I would think someone might have looked into putting in an elevator or an escalator, but, you know.

Oh and people are naked a lot and there's a non-porno sex scene which is hot in a strange way (kind of like how really fucked up porn still turns you on even though you tilt your head and squint to look at it) and I guess this movie is fantastic if you really feel like bumming around in a theatre for an hour and forty-five minutes and have a friend to talk through throughout the whole thing, because really, you could tune in at any given time and have the same amount of back-knowledge.

If all else fails and my deeply introspective and incredibly riveting review of this feature didn't satiate your needs, here's the trailer. And if that doesn't help, then get the fuck outta my face, because you're probably hopeless and have no business watching movies or reading about them.



E

Erika's Top Ten Movies of 2008

It's been a loooong year for la cinema, no? Somehow, through all the shit-tastic films that have weedled their way into the theatres, some really fantastic movies have been put out this year. Here are my favorites. Click on SEE to be taken to each trailer and the movie name to see my personal (and awesome) review of said pelicula!

And of course, feel free to add your faves and opinions below!

10. Wanted (loves me some James McAvoy!) SEE
9. Lower Learning SEE
8. A Girl Cut In Two SEE
7.A Christmas Tale SEE
6. Repo! The Genetic Opera SEE
5. Happy-Go-Lucky SEE
4. Let The Right One In SEE
3. Filth & Wisdom SEE
2. Batman: The Dark Knight SEE
1. Synecdoche New York SEE

Yay movies! I'm looking forward to many, many more amazing ones. And maybe not by myself! Hope!

E

The Most Special Movie Ever!

I'm normally not a Michael Rapaport fan (not since Boston Public ended a milli years ago), but this movie looks kind of super weird funny awesome. In that weird funny awesome way that screams independent film. Plus I may be the only person on the planet who caught this, but I am loving the use of the Clock Work Army's song "The Day We Woke Up Without Mouths" in the trailer. Okay music geekiness over.

Um, so who's coming with me?

Repo! The Genetic Opera

So since I'm kinda becoming the self proclaimed darling of the indie movie scene (okay, so only like one person knows me at the Sunset 5), I guess I will be seeing at least one movie per week. Except for that one time when I saw Happy Go Lucky on Friday and then Let The Right One In on Saturday night. But that was rad because I ran into this awesome customer while waiting in line and I totes helped him and his friend make an educated ticket purchase.

Anyway, this week's fantastic flick is called Repo! The Genetic Opera. Basically it's set in 2056, a time where plastic surgery runs rampant, the city's people are addicted to painkillers, and organ failure has become an epidemic. This big company, GeneCo loans citizens organs, and if they miss a payment, the Repo man comes and...well, that's the end of them. The whole thing is set Sin City style, and basically has this rock opera vibe going on. You know what? I'll just show you the trailer and you'll want to see it too.



Deuces,
Erika

///UPDATE///
The movie was awesome! Basically it was the best combo of soft porn, goth, musicals, and comedy that I've seen yet. The premiere was craze...people were dressed up as characters from the film, they were taking photos and making videos, these girls started singing every song from the movie, and I chatted it up with a man wearing a cape. Good fun, good movie, cool director. He talked to us before the film started and then the audience clapped when his name came up in the end credits.

Filth And Wisdom

Dudes, it's pretty debatable as to whether or not Filth and Wisdom or Let The Right One In is the best movie of the year. This one was pretty fucking good. In Filth and Wisdom, we're lead by Andre or "A.K.", played by Eugene Hutz, who's the frontman for Gogol Bordello. He basically turns good people bad, and helps the secretly sinful satiate themselves. It's an amazing movie with awesome music, a seriously inspiring story, rock n' roll badassery, sex slaves, filth, wisdom, Britney Spears, British people, handlebar mustaches, Ukranian, and Bourbon in the bathtub.

You guys, you need to see this movie like you need to be awesome. As in immediately, and with haste. Pretty much, now that I've seen this movie, I'm gonna live my life like I'm the coolest person ever and it's going out of style. Like everyone should.



Deuces,
Erika

Let The Right One In

Um, so seriously, this was the best movie I've seen all year. And I've seen a lot of good ones. Let The Right One In is a Swedish film about these two twelve year olds, Oskar and Eli. Oskar is super cute, super pale, and bullied by these chicken shit little boys at his school. And Eli is a vampire. Simple enough. Soon, Oskar's little town is ambushed by Eli's vampiring, and though they fall in love with each other, Oskar and Eli are forced to come to grips with Eli's midnight madness. Oskar loves her no matter what though, and the ending is beautiful, so I won't give it away. Plus there's gore, lil kid love, sewn up vaginas, some bleeding from the eyes, and a woman who gets attacked by CG cats and then catches on fire. The usual Swedish fare.

But really, this movie isn't about vampires, it's about love and everything you'll do for it. It's awesome, adorable, touching, and the countryside of Sweden is beyond beautiful. So find yourself an independent cinema house and see the movie already! Sure there are subtitles, but a little reading never did you any harm.



Deuces,
Erika

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Um, I kind of forgot that this was the best movie ever. I almost wish pageants were like this. But, then again, maybe in the Midwest, they are. I also happen to love movies shot like documentaries, like Best in Show or For Your Consideration. They seem funnier than normal movies. Oh and plus I totally learned my Minnesota accent from this movie. Sometimes, when I get really excited, I start going, "Oh crayup, oh crayup!" And did I mention that I know own this movie? Yeah, I found it at Amoeba for like 1.99. Um, so you guys can come over and watch it anytime. We can follow it up with my newly acquired Spice World.

Deuces,
Erika

Silent Hill

So I'm watching Silent Hill on DVD right now and it's totally dope. I saw it a long time ago, like maybe last year, and I forgot how cool it was. But watching it the second time, I noticed how unrealistic the CG animation is. But that aside, the makeup and set effects are awesome. Plus I always liked the story line, the whole thing about blind religion and cults and corruption in the church...I always thought it was really cool, for a movie and a video game. Anyway, the ending was total bullshit but I'd still put Silent Hill on the Coolest Movies of 2006 list, if there ever was one.

Lower Learning

That's right, Erika's going back to the movies. This time it's after work so I'm like praying this one doesn't suck because then my day will be a complete fail. But I don't think it will, because it looks fucking hilarious!

So Lower Learning is about this fucked up elementary school with this crazy ass principal who doesn't care about the kids' education or feelings. Then some Board of Ed lady comes in and wants to fix it but it's like school v principal. That's a terrible explanation, I know. But Will Sasso, Jason Biggs, Eva Longoria, and Rob Cordry are in it. It turns out Sasso and Cordry were at the theatre for this meet and greet thing last night so all the shows were sold out, obvi. Anyway, watch the trailer, peep the goodness, and then feel really bad that we don't hang out and thus cannot come with me to see this. Okay, great!



Deuces,
Erika

Girl Cut In Two

Since Young People Fucking is no longer playing in theatres (but will be on DVD October 14), and I needed something to appease my distraught little heart, I'm going to see this tonight. I'm not really one for subtitled films since they require you to pay so much attention to the movie, but being the Francophile I am, I cannot refuse a good French film. Peep the trailer below, agree with me, then become insanely jealous that we are not extremely good friends with each other's phone numbers so I am unable to text or call you to invite you to come with. Au revior!

"Girl Cut In Two"


Sorry if this trailer doesn't have subtitles, but the one that does is on the IMDB. Of course, that version can't be embedded. Whatevs. Intrigue and murder have no language barriers!

Deuces,
Erika

Young People Fucking

I think I'm going to see this today. V and I saw this on the marquee and the title alone sold us, but the movie actually seems really good. Those Canadians....all up in ur theeaterz, makin sex mooviez. Will report back after when I can properly review this piece of cinema!



Deuces,
Erika

//UPDATE//
Young People Fucking is no longer playing in theatres. Or at least not the Sunset 5. Take a brief second to mourn. Luckily, YPF will be out on DVD October 14. I will be buying it. That is all.

Old Hollywood

This is Clara Bow. The original "It" girl. If you don't know that story, you should read up on it. Oh and she was a redhead. And gorgeous. And mentally insane in her later years.

Lately I have been watching a lot of old movies. If you were to come over, TCM would probably be on. I always thought old movies from like the 40's and the 50's were overly innocent because of the conservative, family-oriented ideals back then. But the movies I have been seeing recently have been nothing like that. They've involved adultery, sex, lying, divorce, and murder. They're like grammatically enhanced, show tune-infused, two hour long episodes of All My Children.

(Fun fact: I was named after Susan Lucci's character, Erica Kane)

So I've been trying to get a good collection going. I just bought The Bad Seed from Amazon. Left on my list are:

Let's Do it Again (1953)
The Tunnel of Love (1958)
Romance on the High Seas (1948)
That Forsyte Woman (1949)
A Date With Judy (1948)

I know tons more but I always forget to go on TCM.com or TV Guide Channel to see what they're called while I'm watching them.

I also really love silent movies. They're so theatrical and over the top because there aren't words to convey their feelings. TCM has Silent Sundays when they play silent films late on Sunday nights. I like to grab a big bag of chocolate covered almonds and snuggle up in piles of blankets and watch tales of gypsies and circus performers and rebellious women and 19th century socialites.

Do you guys have any good old movies? Anyone have a special affinity for film noir? It's the best!

Deuces,
Erika

Pineapple Express

This actually seems like a fantastic movie. I think I'm going to go see it really early in the morning, so I only have to pay five dollars. The theatre I live near has this Early Bird Special where you pay five bucks if you buy the ticket before noon.

Anyway, this movie seems like it'll be kind of a cool, modern, more interesting version of The Big Lebowski, which makes me really excited. Yes, Seth Rogen is playing a funny pot lover again, but his character seems a little more three dimensional this time around. Plus James Franco is so adorable, I could just eat him like flan.

And ohmahgawd, people, when else have you ever heard "Paper Planes" in a movie trailer?



Anybody coming with me?

Deuces,
Erika

Ohai Teddy Geiger: Singer/Actor!

Well, today was a day. It involved some chocolate chip cookies, bad sex, Wikipedia browsing, baby oil, that movie Car Wash, and a dentist appointment. Not in that order. I was feeling really nuh-uh about today but then I came home and saw this...the trailer for the new movie, The Rocker:


Gawd, now I feel soooo much better! Maybe the sex wasn't so bad! Those cookies were AWEsome! My teeth are cleaner! Baby oil smells good!

You can't tell me it's not uber exciting to see Rainn Wilson doing something that lets him be super funny...and one of the main characters! And Jonah Hill is in it! And it's not Superbad! And Teddy Geiger! He's acting (read: not singing!) Yay! I can ogle Teddy Geiger and his major adorability without having to listen to his Dave Matthews Band wannabe music!

Ahhh...

Check HEREZ to see if there's a free screening in your town. Yeah, you have to pretty much sell your soul to get free admission into the screening, but what's one measly soul for the permanent immortalizing of the Geigermeister and the Wilsonator?

All further use of the words "Geigermeister" and/or "Wilsonator" must be hereby accredited to me. Holla.

Deuces,
Erika

The Happening Is NOT Happening

I repeat: The Happening is NOT happening. I made the mistake of going tonight, opening night, to see this movie. I saw the 10:30 showing because the earlier show sold the fuck out before we could even get to the theatre.

Anyway, after standing in the ticket line forever and getting "Umbrella" sung to me by some random dude peddling party fliers and calling me Rihanna (grrrrr), we finally got our tickets for a show that wouldn't start for half an hour so we meandered over to CPK to get some food. While waiting for our takeout, we saw this girl, or maybe woman, anyhow, this chick just sitting all alone at her table. All fucking alone. In a busy, bustling restaurant filled with hearty, friendly banter and waiters laughing with each other and managers flitting around happily. This girl was all alone. Eating her bowl of pasta and trying to distract from the fact that she was by herself by intermittently looking around and checking her cell. My boyfriend and I kept hoping someone would come to her table, whoever she was waiting for, or a friend or her man, but no one came. She had two bowls of pasta and then paid her check and left. It was one of the saddest things I've seen, but I've certainly fucking been there before.

So back to The Happening. OK. Terrible. No, HORRENDOUS. Firstly, it's not scary. Secondly, it's hella gory. And people are dying all over the place. I couldn't handle all the violent innuendo. I was totally doing the peeking through two fingers thing. And the movie goes nowhere. To be fair though, it didn't really start anywhere. I don't want to give away the ending, but this whole thing centers around evil plants, kay? That's why dude threw himself under a lawnmower. 'Cause of a plant. Look, just don't waste your money on this movie.

You'll only be paying for M. Night Shyamalan's summer home in the Poconos.

Deuces,
Erika

PS: Zooey Deschanel, while a gorgeous indie music darling, cannot act for shit. Kthxbai.

Pulp Fiction

Well. I just finished watching Pulp Fiction on vh1. It's AWEsome. Actually, this is the first time I've ever been able to watch the entire thing. I own the collector's edition DVD and I still never took the time to see it to the finish. That shit is iller than a baby with the mumps. When I first got my hair cut in a bob, I had to go to work that day and my uniform was a white button down and black pants so I TOTALLY felt like Mia Wallace. Uh, y'know, if she was black.

In slightly related news, vh1 is having some kind of movie marathon, which is slam dunk AWEsome because I can only watch movies when they come on television. It's got something to do with my attention span, I'm sure.

Deuces,
Erika

Bitch I Stole Your Dress

So the word around the proverbial water cooler is that the fancy schmancy Nina Ricci dress that everybody's homegirl SJP was rocking at the Sex and the City: The Movie premiere in Manhattan (which I'm told is somewhere in Brooklyn) was actually a rerun!

Yeah, so apparently the one of a kind dress that SJP was so stoked to wear has been used before, by Lauren Santo Domingo at a Met gala AND LaLohan in Harper's Bazaar.

Le gasp!

SJP went on the record to say this:
(via OMG!)

"My affection for the dress hasn't changed. But what they did was so short-sighted. It's just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again."

Awwww...SJP....hang in there. She still came out looking better than Kim Cattrall, so, uh, there's still a silver lining.

Deuces,
Erika

Bickford Schmeckler's Cool Ideas

I am watching this movie on Comedy Central right now. You can get all the info on it here. I think I love this movie. Patrick Fugit did it before Saved, I guess, and Mathew Lillard is in it. So is Cheryl Hines and John Cho.It's amazing.

Did anybody see this movie when it first came out in '06?

Does anyone actually read this blog?

Do people just use it for occasional free mp3s and sometimes a funny story?

Anyway, you should definitely rent/buy this movie and watch while smoking a bowl (or two).

Er, also, don't do drugs.

Deuces,
Erika