Saturday, April 25, 2009

in which TV is clearly out to destroy my heart and soul.

(photo via or whatevskis)

you guys can i be real for a second?

i love TV. like i fucking love it. if there was a way for an electronic device/digital cable stream and a woman to be joined together in holy matrimony, i would've swam into the pacific and climbed onto that boat a long time ago.

but why does everything i love have to hurt me in return? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS? THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU!

this is probs my fault (that's okay was never was always me, i know it) because i threw myself into the big masochistic pit of fire also known as watching MTV so in turn i suppose i brought this on myself. i MADE myself watch college life and the phone. i did this.

basically college life is this dipshit - sorry, innovative and compelling, TV show wherein some college freshmen are followed by cameras at ALL times and they talk and sob and wear school hoodies and apparently all attend some kind of prison style college deep in madison, WI. basically i can't stand it because i live(d) it. not to mention MTV just ripped ITSELF off. i wasn't in college back then, but i distinctly remember loving (despite the almost tangible shitty qualities those shows emitted from my TV screen) sorority life and fraternity life. so good going there MTV. you beat yourself to your own original concept like five years ago.

let me synopsize this fucksenserey for you. there are a handful of kids involved but you only need to know about two:

alex: she is 19. she is a bonerkill. this girl is like one walking livejournal entry and all the entry tags are FML. she's like "waaaaah waaaah boys won't put their penises in my vagina! i have no hope with dudes for the rest of my life! the boy i like didn't text me after we watched one tree hill together waaaahhhh even after i put an 'i like you. check yes or no' note in his locker!!! wahhh!!!" okay i know colleges don't have lockers but you see where i am going with this. essentially she is what i am slowly but surely becoming.

no one said i was proud of it you guys. no one.

and then you have kevin. he is everyone's bro-dude. if you give a mouse a cookie, he'll like ask you for milk or something (don't really remember) but if you give kevin a few hours, he'll make you a party. like a mysterious and magical little keebler elf whose medium is hard liquor and red plastic cups. he is that guy that you will want to punch repeatedly in the face sober, but who's meaty arm you will more than gladly cling to when blackout drunk. (you will probably say "more, more, more! and tell me that one story of how you once sucker punched your seven year old neighbor when he took your frisbee! holy shit did you just pull that red cup from behind my ear?! i love you because you're magic! pour me more sam adams!) i imagine the following things go through his head on an hourly basis:

"tits! i hate math! this baseball caps is too tight! tits! ass! i love college! asher roth! i love drinking! i love women! miller lite! beer pong! man, i really appreciate how hard my parents worked so that i could go to school despite the poor grades i achieved in high...whoops! TITS! ASS! DRINKINGSMOKINGSEXCOLLEGE!"

college life is an epic fail of a television show. you guys at MTV want drama? you should have let me film my dorm experience. bitches were threatning to pee on my washcloths and get their sisters to beat me up. because of loofahs and thermostats!!!! there was some diddy approved dramz going down dudes. did i get a show? no. does that leave me feeling bitter? no... does that make me not want to watch this one? YESYESYES.

i was also going to talk about the phone (ay dios mio) but because i have spent so much time ranting about this fuckery, i will just leave it with this equation i have created (in my opinion) perfectly summarizing what you've got here:

mtv's the phone: phonebooth + eagle eye + M.I. - colin farrell - being interesting + money + teenagers.

there's some cloverfield style filming and mildly (like, mild salsa mild) intense and dramz music thrown in for good measure.

TV WE CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. GET IT TOGETHER. IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE. WE CAN WORK IT OUT. but the sadfaced kids, fleshbeards, gripping reality television, and all other no-noes must GO.



Valentina said...

I too have somehow found my miserable self watching this epic fail of a show. Personally though I find the two other two idiots you didn't mention to be far more abhorrent. The little Christian girl confuses me with her terrible taste in guys and overall naive nature. I really want to live where she's living though in magical virgin land, where boys only want to go out and get ice cream with you but definitely DON'T want sex. Because sex is evil.

The other boy is just one of those dudes who you somehow fool yourself into thinking is interesting and unique because he plays the guitar and has a tattoo while really he's just another sad personality-less loser feigning depth. Give me a douchebag fratboy as a friend any day. At the very least my bro-friends provide me with a constant source of amusement and are always willing to steal me food when I'm intoxicated.

What do you think is a bigger fail, this show or us for watching and discussing the show?

Lolita Hazed said...

Dude, I was TOTALLY thinking about Sorority Life as I fumbled out of bed this morning. I forgot its name (so thanks for reminding me) but was contemplating my college conundrum and thinking about how when that show came on, I was convinced I totes wanted to go to UC Davis and I have absolutely no idea why I once felt that way.

And OMG so I was totally watching Whatever It Takes last night/this morning and James Franco verbalized what I've thought for years: "chicks dig assholes". For some reason, this feels true. I have felt that for almost seven years. Something about them.

Erika said...

basically everyone on the show is either dreadfully obnoxious (middle school level) or naively dumb. one dude can't pay his parents tuition money but gets a 2400 tattoo? i cannot think of one time i have even had 2400 in my bank account at once. this show just mirrors my life/experiences a little too closely for me to find it entertaining or deem it genuinely watchable. but clearly the fact we discuss it in such depth is sad. or perhaps brilliant.

@sarah: sorority life was terrible but it was my shit. the theme song was "addicted" by simple plan, because that wouldn't date the show in the least. nope.

but i don't think i agree with the notion that chicks dig assholes. i think some women like assholes sometimes because they are less boring than the "nice guy," who sadly has gotten unnecessary flak and shit for just being a kind (albeit slightly bland), good guy. i haven't met many nice guys, but all the ones that i've met have been way better to me than assholes. nice guys have listened to me and nodded (and made me feel like they were hearing me, regardless) and have laughed at my jokes and made me feel comfortable. assholes have pushed my buttons, interrupted me at all times, and generally make me frustrated, irritated, angry, or a combo of the three. they think it's cute and, in some perverse way, charming, to be dickholes because this notion of women loving assholes has buoyed and encouraged their behavior when, in fact, guys who are assholes are just little boys that don't have to grow up because no one is forcing them to.

MACK said...

but it did provide a suitable alternative to studying for six finals/writing 20 page papers/other academic endeavors that lead to success and money and degrees