love is a seven letter word (s-p-l-o-o-s-h)

AHHHHH, YOU GUYS! AHHH TILL THE END OF TIME! archer's season finale was what, like, a whole week ago? and i still haven't said anything about this show? WHAT UP WITH THAT? and it's especially crazy that i haven't broken my silence re: archer because i love it so much. like, seriously? ever since the untimely demise of 70/30 productions, and, subsequently, its creations frisky dingo and sealab: 2021 (RIP, pour one out for the annihilatrix and grizzlebee's onion bursts, respectively), i have had a hole in my heart that seemingly no adult cartoon could fill. i resorted to empty sex, as is my way, but no amount of monotonous boning via worthless TV programming was enough. I HAD A HUNGER. A DESIRE. A FIRE. ALL THE MAKINGS OF A HIT 80s ROCK BALLAD.

then archer came along. and i was like, what is this? what will this be? i found it comforting that the animation style was so much like frisky dingo's, and like a soft blanket you jacked from your gram's place because it smelled like childhood (cheap beer and plastic furniture covers in the summer), i wrapped myself up in it and settled in.

and oh my god. archer blew my mind. to be fair though, my mind is pretty easy. you don't know how many times i've had to stop my brain and be like, "dude, come on. he doesn't actually drive a benz. and his condo is a crack den. just because he dances well and bought you a drink doesn't mean you should go home with him tonight. brain! brain! don't get in that car! i'm calling you a cab. YOU'RE DRUNK." even still, i thought archer was great. i slowly felt that hole in my heart start to fill up until there wasn't one anymore. it was nice and smooth, like the part of the road near my house that got re-paved.

anyway, i could go on all day about how great the sharp writing and the casting (oh my god, JESSICA WALTERS WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH FOR TWO ROLES: LUCILLE BLUTH AND MALORY ARCHER. I'M SERIOUS. WE'RE DONE HERE. and fuckkkkkk meeeee with a chaaaiiinnsaaaw i am so glad to see h. jon benjamin back on a cartoon. i missed him so hard post-home movies. you know that scene where coach mcguirk is trying to become a bartender but keeps failing and ends up drunk on all the ridiculously bad cocktails he's mixed at home for himself? you know that's basically a metaphor for my life? oh, thought you knew.) are and how perfect ALL of it is, because it ALL is, but mostly i want to talk about how meaningful the season finale ("dial m for mother") was to me. it like, took all these warm, fuzzy feelings i had, bought them a pretty little princess dress and a corsage, and escorted them to the senior prom of MY HEART. it was, in a nutshell, EVERYTHING i missed about frisky dingo. everything i watched archer for. everything i love about adult cartoons. and more. ANDDDD MORRRREEEE.

without giving away any of the storyline, because it's pretty interesting, i just want to point out a few things that got me in *here* (by 'here' i definitely mean heart. not mouth, you jerk! IT'S NOT ALWAYS FOODFOODFOOD with me, you know!):

• the constant use of the word "sploosh." x-tacles, anybody? "boosh"? classic catchphrase. sploosh took me there. took me back to the days of saying BOOSH! after everything.
  
• how much pam reminds me of valerie, killface's former assistant. like, JESUS. she's hell-bent on getting someone to sleep with her and she possesses that same bitter, cynical, annoyed view of the world. seriously, the parallels between the two of them light up my world.
  
• the running steuben bar glass set joke! AHHHH, YOU GUYS! flashbacks to simon and the bowls! "THAT'S OUR LAST BOWL!" tears in my eyes. glow in my heart.
  

from the c-storyline involving the russian agents with the fake baby to the machine built just to erotically asphyxiate cheryl to the KGB agent that keeps running around holding a pink silk nightie, this episode was the most perfect departure from all the (relative) normalcy that archer possesses. this is where it just dove face first into absurdity, but it was lovely and hilarious and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt and i mean, i can't even begin to tell you how it felt to finally connect with a show as much as i connected with frisky dingo. it was just fan-fucking-tastic.

and yes, archer does have its moments of ableism and sexism, but i can appreciate that they're acknowledged as character flaws vs the family guy method of shrugging, muttering, "welp!" and accepting that a baby is just going to be racist. BECAUSE WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, RIGHT? it also bothers me somewhat how lana's body is illustrated: big tits, tiny waist, skimpy clothes, does a lot of gun shooting in lingerie. it's a little too lara croft for me but WHATEVER, GUYS! NOTHING'S PERFECT!

so basically i just want infinite seasons of archer forever and ever until i die. or until the jokes get stale and make me lose the will to live. i'm looking at you, the office.

ugly betty is tearing up my heart, n'sync style, you guys!

jiminy christmas, did anyone in the blogosphere watch last night's premiere of ugly betty season 4?! wait, what? people had lives and were actually out of their houses and hanging with friends and not trying to delay cold death on the living room sofa just a few moments longer and find something to occupy their dusty old mindprunes after degrassi went off and basically just shouting non-sequiturs to their wall, like "THAT IS FUCKED UP!" and "THIS OVEN COOKED PIZZA IS SO GOOD! IT REALLY ISN'T DELIVERY!" no? really? oh, well, then i may be in this ugly betty tizzy by myself. "um, good sir, may i have a TV-induced tizzy for one, please?" "yes, why yes you may. have fun dying alone." "thank you, sir!"

BASICALLY betty got a new job working as the associate features editor and she's over the fucking moon about it (who wouldn't be?! besides someone who got demoted but we don't even have TIME for demotions in the fashion industry! too busy trying to force body images on young girls and make sure those yards of crinoline come in! spring/summer '10 is gonna be SO BIG on crinoline, you guys. maybe.) and she's dealing with the new scenario of working for her ex-boyfriend matt who made a total cunt move and took the job to be her boss once she punched him in the heart with a bulldozer glove (not a real thing, but i am actively seeking a backer to make it HAPPEN!), not to mention we've got this new thing with justin, everyone's favorite teenager, just entering high school. plus christina's gone, daniel's grieving over dead wife ashes, wilhelmina is sheltering her murderous daughter nico (ps omg YAYA from TOP MODEL?! pinch me until i die please!!), trying to find connor for some good, old fashioned extortion (american values, left and right, y'all) and STILL trying to take over mode. WHOO! busy bees up in this hive this season! and that's just the tip of the fucking honey pot!

instead of going further into the episode, which you can watch in full HERE, can i just say how much i supremely love and identify with this season? the whole feeling of being super excited about something you've been trying to do forever and finally achieved and then feeling like you don't even fit in with that crowd which simultaneously crushes your dream bubble and makes you work harder so you can justify singing "survivor" by destiny's child at karaoke, and having to come in daily contact with a person you cared for and accidentally screwed up with that is repeatedly ignoring you and immaturely fucking you over constantly? and being bullied in high school because you're different and no one likes change and you really ARE that kid with the bright pink gucci shirt eating alone in the lunch room because the bathroom stalls are rank and you can't have food in the library and then feeling like you can only talk about it to someone who isn't your parent and your parent is pissy mcangrypants that you didn't come to them? and you feel stuck in the middle while also trying to navigate your own fucked up adolescent issues? and missing someone that was taken from your life way too soon and lashing out by alternating between anger and tears? can i just say i identify with all of that and so this season excites me just a tad bit more than the prospect of getting laid? JUST A TAD?

whatevs. i'm stoked. if you didn't catch it last night, i suggest you watch it! tears won't cry themselves and hearts don't warm automatically! well, maybe if they were robot hearts, but i would need some proof of you being a robot. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

E

in which TV is clearly out to destroy my heart and soul.

(photo via mtv.com or whatevskis)

you guys can i be real for a second?

i love TV. like i fucking love it. if there was a way for an electronic device/digital cable stream and a woman to be joined together in holy matrimony, i would've swam into the pacific and climbed onto that boat a long time ago.

but why does everything i love have to hurt me in return? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS? THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU!

this is probs my fault (that's okay TV...it was never you...it was always me, i know it) because i threw myself into the big masochistic pit of fire also known as watching MTV so in turn i suppose i brought this on myself. i MADE myself watch college life and the phone. i did this.

basically college life is this dipshit - sorry, innovative and compelling, TV show wherein some college freshmen are followed by cameras at ALL times and they talk and sob and wear school hoodies and apparently all attend some kind of prison style college deep in madison, WI. basically i can't stand it because i live(d) it. not to mention MTV just ripped ITSELF off. i wasn't in college back then, but i distinctly remember loving (despite the almost tangible shitty qualities those shows emitted from my TV screen) sorority life and fraternity life. so good going there MTV. you beat yourself to your own original concept like five years ago.

let me synopsize this fucksenserey for you. there are a handful of kids involved but you only need to know about two:

alex: she is 19. she is a bonerkill. this girl is like one walking livejournal entry and all the entry tags are FML. she's like "waaaaah waaaah boys won't put their penises in my vagina! i have no hope with dudes for the rest of my life! the boy i like didn't text me after we watched one tree hill together waaaahhhh even after i put an 'i like you. check yes or no' note in his locker!!! wahhh!!!" okay i know colleges don't have lockers but you see where i am going with this. essentially she is what i am slowly but surely becoming.

no one said i was proud of it you guys. no one.

and then you have kevin. he is everyone's bro-dude. if you give a mouse a cookie, he'll like ask you for milk or something (don't really remember) but if you give kevin a few hours, he'll make you a party. like a mysterious and magical little keebler elf whose medium is hard liquor and red plastic cups. he is that guy that you will want to punch repeatedly in the face sober, but who's meaty arm you will more than gladly cling to when blackout drunk. (you will probably say "more, more, more! and tell me that one story of how you once sucker punched your seven year old neighbor when he took your frisbee! holy shit did you just pull that red cup from behind my ear?! i love you because you're magic! pour me more sam adams!) i imagine the following things go through his head on an hourly basis:

"tits! i hate math! this baseball caps is too tight! tits! ass! i love college! asher roth! i love drinking! i love women! miller lite! beer pong! man, i really appreciate how hard my parents worked so that i could go to school despite the poor grades i achieved in high...whoops! TITS! ASS! DRINKINGSMOKINGSEXCOLLEGE!"

college life is an epic fail of a television show. you guys at MTV want drama? you should have let me film my dorm experience. bitches were threatning to pee on my washcloths and get their sisters to beat me up. because of loofahs and thermostats!!!! there was some diddy approved dramz going down dudes. did i get a show? no. does that leave me feeling bitter? no... does that make me not want to watch this one? YESYESYES.

i was also going to talk about the phone (ay dios mio) but because i have spent so much time ranting about this fuckery, i will just leave it with this equation i have created (in my opinion) perfectly summarizing what you've got here:

mtv's the phone: phonebooth + eagle eye + M.I. - colin farrell - being interesting + money + teenagers.

there's some cloverfield style filming and mildly (like, mild salsa mild) intense and dramz music thrown in for good measure.

TV WE CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. GET IT TOGETHER. IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE. WE CAN WORK IT OUT. but the sadfaced kids, fleshbeards, gripping reality television, and all other no-noes must GO.

E

l-o-v-e is a four letter word.

dear diary,

i met a beautiful, incredible, wondermazing boy. his name is delocated. he stays up really late on sundays and always makes me laugh. he's brilliant. he is sophisticated enough for nat shermans but down to earth enough for cheap beer in a dirty bar. we hang out every weekend and one of these days i am going to let him touch me in my warm places. seriously, diary. i think i will marry him. when he's not in my life, things are all wrong. and i break out tons. i think it's from the stress of not having him. but when he's back, it's like the world is perfect again, diary. perfect. he's it for me.

i love you so much diary don't ever tell my secrets!

me

cookies on dowels, mole men, and camp as far as the eye can see

i am thisclose to just shutting this shit down and turning do it at the disco into WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU GUYS ADULT SWIM?! similar to my whyladygagawhy website. i enjoy common themes. have you checked out my art?

anywayssss i just want to talk things out. let's look at the current shows. alright family guy (cool, down with that), robot chicken (it's starting to brown at the edges but it still remains consistent, i will give it that), tim and eric: awesome show great job (NEVER EVER EVER GO AWAY. tim and eric are my spirit animals. seriously. the yin to my batshit yang), venture bros (i can deal with this show. i used to watch it back in the day when i could follow the storyline and things were looking UP!), and aqua teen hunger force (this show has been repeatedly making my nights hilarious and awesome since like 2005). so we've established that these things in the lineup are GOOD. smiley faces all over them. if this were a test paper, i'd be making it rain A pluses EVERYWHERE.

and let us not forget our fallen heroes! frisky dingo (the production company 70/30 closed it's doors early this year so no new frisky or sealab 2021 EVERS AGAINS! for anybody!), harvey birdman (i am soooo fucking serious when i say me and this show were destined to be together forever. like nobody's business i loved harvey birdman), and the oblongs (OG goodness for your SOUL), AND 12 oz mouse (seriously that chill mouse and that big eye made my 5ams time and time and time again). old shows, miss you like my childhood...


BUTTTT what is going on with these new shows? xavier: renegade angel? superjail? i hate to put the kibosh on your smiling sunshiney faces but i'm going to have to ask you to slip these into some padded manila envelopes and return to sender. someone told me these shows are for acid heads. that's a pretty sweet suggestion, but until someone can ship me some LSD i'm gonna need you guys to put these away. far away. into a lockbox maybe? lose the key.

and in the spirit of new shows, i wanna thank you guys for look around you. it's awesome. 100 percent grade A CAMP. i have a soft spot in my hearts for the late 70s/early 80s. you punched me right in my loving aortas with that show. (in that vein, can we maybe rethink putting saul of the mole men back on the air? the CAMP in that show fills my sweet spot everytime) i also want to props you up for delocated. the writing on that show is IMPECCABLE you guys. seriously. i want to give you all handjobs for it. i'm sorry, i meant to say, shake your hands. WITH MY MOUTH. whatever, i love that show. don't ever let it die like my pet fish in 7th grade. goldie hawn, noooo...

so whatevskis adult swim. basically i like what you're doing for the most part. but don't start slacking on your quality! you guys have been the reason i stay up till 1am when i have a 6am class for as long as i can remember. and choose to remember. i rep atl just for you guys. stay ill. holler at me when you want a witty contributor to contribute to, um, whatever witty people contribute to. you can pay me under the table, in single bills, action figures, and headshots of brendon smalls. our love is like that tarzan disney movie. you'll be in my heart, phil collins style. or maybe tom collins style. i haven't decided how many references i want to make in this post. i'll probably come out around however many make me sound knowledgeable, but not douchey. this is the internet, and i must never be douchey.

E

"Boooyahh! The Baby Is Black!"

So I got my cable transferred from my old apt to my new fab apt and because of that, the cable dudes gave me free Showtime for a year. I was not about to argue with something that awesome. Sooo...with my newfound Showtime-iness, I decided to pretend I was like 3728973281 thousand other Americans and tuned in for the Californication season finale.

Now, I've never seen a single episode, so all I knew was there was a goth girl and the big Duchov was a sex addict in the real world. These things became irrelevant, however, because the recap took care of everything I did not know beforehand.

So the show. It made no sense to me. I don't understand how people tuned in for a season of this. I was pleasantly suprised when the preggers chick had a black baby and then Duchov started dancing around.

And someone please explain to me if Hank has a wife? I can't tell, because he is getting frisky with girls all over the place. I am sort of confused. And whose child is the goth girl? And why is he writing a book on a typewriter? And why is he writing a book? And how were people fucking with their clothes on? And...? And...?!

Thus I deem Californication the most confusing and Los Angelian show on Showtime.

WTF to infinity.

E

I Really Love Current TV

Like Logo and the Lifetime Real Women's Network, I had no idea this channel existed until we got cable with an expanded package (aka fancy cable). I watched it once, when I was flipping channels and happened to stop on it. On was this guy who was learning how to skateboard and roaming around NYC talking to lil NYC boarders. I found it at once endearing and educational, interesting and informative.

Thus my love for Current TV began. This channel is amazing. The fact that it laces set programming with viewer created content and amazing documentaries is so fucking revolutionary. What's also bomb.com is how most programs are only 15 to 20 minutes long, so if something isn't fun to watch, you don't have to watch it for long! Just wait! In ten minutes, another show will come on!

In between the cool shows, they feature current events that are sent in by viewers and users of current.tv, basically allowing for the viewers of the channel to create the news they see as well as share their thoughts on said news. It's completely amazing.

Did I say how much I loved this channel? I've been watching it ALLZ the time, and getting smarter by the minute! Just yesterday I watched a Lisa Ling documentary on LA gang violence and tonight I'm watching a documentary about Japanese clubs that hire North American girls to be hostesses! It's sofa king fascinating!

Oh and plus they play Radiohead's "Reckoner" between shows. Um awesome. When I'm a famous journalist I want to work for Current TV. I want my own show where I talk about music. It'll be called The Week That Was.

Probs not.

E

I Am Loving The Ugly!

So, um, whoa, is it just me or is this new season of Ugly Betty getting amazing-riffc?! Sure, shitty and weird things are happening to the supporting characters, but Betty has been basking in some well deserved happiness! I am all about this newfound joie de vivre! She got a fantastic downtown apt and moved in next to this super cute guitar playing wonder boy! (Even if wonder boy did totally makeout randomly with Amanda and temporarily crush Betty's poor heart) Things are getting sort of tricky for her here and there, but she's still managing to stay optimistic and passionate!

Okay, maybe I am also just loving Betty because I can basically identify with her constantly. Not to mention the fact that her clothing is getting more clashy and therefore 32784937629% more awesome.

I don't want this season to end. Ever. Even if it has to run for 70 more years, till I'm dead. Oh wait, I just remembered I'm killing myself at 30. So if they could just run this season for 12 more years pls. Kthx.

You Must Be Fucking Kidding Me

Oh my gawd. Okay dudes, so I came home tonight at midnight, tired from being on my feet for six hours straight and failing to seduce a stray cat (more on that later, no bestiality involved), changed into my PJ's (a pair of 70s style shorts with rainbows and Snoopy's printed on them and one of my bf's t-shirts), screwed the top off the bottle of Arizona Green Tea with Honey and sat down to watch some TV. Ugh, no double ugh.

This Real Housewives of Atlanta show is beyond BAD. It needs a new word to describe how shitty it is. Maybe the antidope. Yeah, it's the antidope. Not only are these women materialistic, shallow and annoying creatures, they DON'T live in Atlanta. Wanna know how I know? It's nearly impossible to buy a house that unnecessarily large in the city of ATL. Plus homegirl said it herself: "I live north of the city." They're living in Duluth and Sugarloaf. I should know, I spent a good chunk of childhood in that nightmarish rose colored suburbian bubble. Both are at least 30 minutes away from the city (without traffic). Plus these people seem like they don't actually understand the city. They constantly compare the party scene to that of NY or LA (oh whoa not true) and one of the even enlightens us about how the city is integrated, how blacks and whites intermingle. Christ, lady, it's the city of Atlanta, not Jasper or Ringgold. Chill down, Martina Luther King. Not to mention aside from the transition shots, you never actually see any scenes filmed in the city. Um and believe me you would know. The city is ugly and dirty, with poor infrastructure and not that much to look at. Plus you would see some bums, some daytime hour hoes, and a ton of people with messenger bags.

Basically this show is an epic fail. A fail more epic than any other. A severe wind tunnel of intelligence and emotion. A black hole of culture. Did I say fail?

I mean, I hate that awful city just as much as the next person who lives there, but it's my city, y'know? And I stand by its poor infrastucture and improper use of city tax money, because that's what citizens (and ohai ex-pats) do. So boo, Bravo and fake housewives, boo to you. Let's start putting the ATL back in Atlanta and creating bumper stickers that make sense!

Deuces,
Erika

Man & Wife

So after a very long day of work yesterday, I crawled up three flights of stairs and into my apt, where I threw on a hoodie, some socks, and sat down to watch some TV. I'd missed the first airing of Mad Men, but didn't see it on again at 11pm, so I watched MTV instead. That retarded Paris Needs A Friend show had gone off and now something new was coming on. Apparently, Fatman Scoop and wife Shanda have been running a podcast of sorts, talking about sex, relationships, and love. I guess MTV decided to take them to the big time. Thus Man & Wife was born.

Actually I was sorta hesitant to watch it at first, because it looked kind of shitty, but once I gave it a chance, I liked it! Basically Scoop and Shanda are sitting in this huge bed on stage talking to an audience. Members of the audience can come up and ask queshes on the mic and they answer them. Sometimes people submit queries through video or voicemail submissions. It's completely impromptu and interactive, plus it talks about sex, and all those make for good TV! Scoop answers all questions from a male point of view (hit it and quit it) and Shanda makes up for it with her insightful emotion based answers. I kinda love this show. Last night they talked about the need for communication in a relationship, buying a dildo, and how to get out of having a threesome. It's genius, rly.

Peep the emotional connections on MTV, Monday through Thursday at 11pm.

Deuces,
Erika

BBC America Should Run For President

So now that we've gotten cable at the apt, I've been watching television 24/7 to cope with any bad feelings I have. TV is such a good distraction because it gives you a break from your life, but it does it in one or half hour bursts, so once the laughtrack subsides and the end credits roll, you can pick your flabby ass up off the couch and remember you owe 600.00 for rent and the only things you haven't consumed are a cup of instant mashed potatoes and a can of string beans you don't even remember buying.

And then today we got the cable company to install a cable box so I (okay...we) could get hooked up with all the fancy channels I didn't get to watch before, like G4, the Lifetime Movie Network...and BBC America. Which is fucking. Amazing. The only thing I would love to add to the network is GlobeTrekker, but we can't have everything, now can we?

I swear, if I could only have like five channels, I would have the CW, vh1, G4, a news channel, and the BBC. I can literally turn on the TV and watch episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, Coupling, (the best version of) the Office, Jamie Oliver At Home. Gavin and Stacey, and now...Skins. I guess I'll get into that show now that I don't have to get all e-savvy to watch it. (Also, I had no idea that little boy from About A Boy grew up to be in that show! Whoa he got...aged!)

I mean, it just doesn't get any better than this. Oh wait, yes it does. I can also watch The Graham Norton Show, Dr. Who, and How Clean Is Your House? not to mention MI-5, Monty Python's Flying Circus, and the supremely sophisticated BBC News.

It's almost as if everything becomes funnier and more interesting once you throw in a bitchin' accent and a steering wheel on the right side!

Anyone else get BBC America? No? Sucks for you! Hahahaha! Sorry...that was insensitive. I'm going to go back to watching Coupling and mimicking their accents. Lucky for me I've seen this episode before so I know what they're going to say before they say it. Good on ya!

Deuces,
Erika

Mad for Mad Men

I know this show has been spoken about once before and also a million times before. But dammit, this shit is just getting doper and doper as the season unfolds. When I first got here, I watched the episodes I missed online, but now that I have cable again, I can keep up to date.

So far we've seen Don find a new psuedo-mistress (the old yet seductive Bobbie Barrett) and now Betty's starting to catch on. She's confronted Don, but it's futile since he just continues to lie about it. Betty's also starting to blossom into her own independent person, which is pretty interesting to see. Peggy's still the same, trying to get her life back together after giving away custody of her baby, but now she's hanging out with Father Gill, the awesome guitar player and strangely aloof/helpful friend boy. She's also thriving in her new job as junior copywriter. Joan's got a fiance and her boobs seemed to have gotten bigger. But maybe that's just me. Sadly, the random single mother Helen Bishop they brought on last season isn't getting any script play but maybe they'll bring her back? And is anyone lusting after Betty and Joan's clothing? Like, do they even make dresses like that anymore? I think not.

Anyone else totally loving the new season?? Oh yeah and if you are not watching this you fail. Kthxbai!

Deuces,
Erika

I Love When Shows Start Over Again!

So when you're living in hell (ohai, like me!), a few things become your saving grace...i.e. the reasons you don't just bitch all your roommates, trash their rooms, get the cable (that's in your name, obvi) transfered to some nonexistent location, drive off and go live in your car till you can afford to live somewhere else.

For me, they're Homestyle waffles, grape Shasta, powdered doughnuts, Missbehave, text messaging..and TV!

I love television. It gets me through the hard times and gives me something to think about when I'm spacing out in Religious Studies. Plus it's my motivation to come home every night instead of just saying "fuck it" and whittling away my savings at the strip club. (BTW, V I went by the Body Shop today at 5 fucking 30 in the afternoon and it was actually open! Who's in there for the rush hour strip crowd I wonder?)

So, what was I talking about? Oyeah. The telly. And how much I love it. Because I do. But what I love more is when utterly amazing and cool shows get picked up for another season! At the end of each season, I wait for about two months on baited breath, preparing myself for the news that producers didn't sign on for another four or five months. But when that doesn't happen, I get all excited and do a little dance because it means I get to see my favorite shows all over again! But better because they are new!

Now speaking of new shows, here's what's coming up in terms of the new fall seasons of great rehashed TV programming:

Thurs, Sept 18 10:00 pm, FX
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: I fucking love this show for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because it's hilarious, unconventional, and they say "shit" a lot! Plus I own all three seasons and since I've already watched them at least 32983840290403 times, I can't wait to see something new from the Paddy's crew! Ohai, and here's this amazing primer video for your perusal. I'm going back to Philly!



Mon, Sept 29 8:00 pm, NBC
Chuck: I never got into this show when it was on NBC but for some reason when Sci-Fi started airing it I was all over this shit like black people on Dallas BBQ. I love it. Chuck is so cute and sweet and I love how he works for the CIA but his day job is at some Best Buy style corporation. Classic. Here's a taste of it, since NBC won't let me embed the video. Weirdos.

Wednesdays 10:00 pm, Bravo
Top Design: So this show actually just started and after what went on last season, I was pretty much expecting all the drama, style, and black lacquer I could handle. Sadly, I can't say that's what's going on right now. But I have high hopes for this season. Mostly due to the addition of British panelist/judge/whatever India Hicks. She wins for coolest name and best accent!



Yay for TV! But, now, let's take a moment to mourn the ongoing loss of I Hate My 30s, one of the most awesome shows ever. The writing was amazing. Plus a non-drag version of Liam Sullivan and a dragged up Kelly were on there. And the coffee shop owner was...um...God? I think?

Deuces,
Erika

Lost Nickelodeon Gems

I spent a good bit of my childhood years with my eyes glued to Nickelodeon. I loved books, but my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house a lot and I didn't have a way to transfer the books to a different location. So I watched TV instead. Or beat up my little cousin. But those are different stories for another day. Funnily enough, Nickelodeon used to be a legitimate entertainment source. Back in the days before Zoey 101, Spongebob Squarepants, or iCarly, Nick was pretty fucking cool. So I decided to put together a list of Nick's coolest (and sadly, forgotten) television shows. Rugrats isn't on this list, although it was the cutest and coolest cartoon and I watched it from its '91 inception to about '02, but it went on to get weighed down by new characters and corrupted by lame movies and spinoff series'. Anyway, this is the list. Feel free to add your own since it's been a minute since these shows have even been on.

1. The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo: This show was the shit. First, there was an Asian family on Nickelodeon and they had more depth than the fam from that Jackie Chan cartoon. Plus Mr. Miyagi was the grandfather and Shelby solved crimes! She was like the Asian Nancy Drew. She was...Shelby Woo!

2. All That: Do I need to explain how this show was cool? It was originally marketed as an "SNL for kids" and everything was super copasetic and hella funny until the cast started changing and Kenan Thompson, Kel Mitchell, Lori Beth Denberg, and Amanda Bynes left and then, um, Nick Cannon joined the show...but I'll always remember the "Cooking with Chocolate," "Ask Ashley," Repairman," and "Vital Information" skits. Did you know the theme song was sung by TLC? Back in the day, I had the soundtrack on cassette. Actually, let me go find that tape...

3. Are You Afraid of the Dark?: My mom actually wouldn't let me watch this show until I was seven because of the Y-7 logo that came up, but I used to sneak episodes in when she wasn't around. It scared the shit out of me, espesh the opening scenes when the Midnight Society would come and set up the story they were about to tell. I had mad nightmares from that shit though.

4. Clarissa Explains It All: One word: rad. Oh wait, three words: rad as fuck. Melissa Joan Hart was amazing as Clarissa and she always wore the coolest clothing (well for the mid 90s anyway) and I used to love when she would stop the scene and draw words and pictures. But I hated that Ferguson!

5. AAAHHH! Real Monsters!: If ever Nick dabbled in the dark and macabre, this show was it. It was about monsters who attended some kind of monster academy, taught by this super spastic, super flamboyant schoolteacher who wore chaps and boots, but as far as I can remember, no shirt. There was a smart girl, a red guy with an oddly high voice, and a short dude that held his eyeballs. It was quirky and creepy and yet still amazingly childlike.

6. Gullah Gullah Island: This show was on really early in the morning, but it was cool because it was fun education. I learned sharing was caring, honesty was the best policy, and how to tiedye a shirt at home. Plus it had a cool theme song and it was set on a fake island! Really, it was set on St Helena Island off the coast of SC.

7. Rocko's Modern Life: The shit. Obvi, the epitome of children's adult programming. It was full of sex jokes that didn't even make a little sense until I was older, but I loved Philbert the turtle and Heiffer the cow. Plus they lived in O-Town. The innuendos were limitless. My mom works at a company like Conglom-O, but Ed Bighead doesn't own it.

8. Taina: This show was on a little later, but I loved it. One of the few shows to feature a Latina lead, it was original and exciting and had attitude. Plus she went to a performing arts school and had wicked cool friends that got her into crazy shit. She paved the way for the craziness that ensues/d in That's So Raven, which sucks/ed btw.

Do you guys know of any I missed? Some up for honorable mention were Animorphs, The Secret World of Alex Mack, Hey Dude!, What Would You Do?, Double Dare, and Hey Arnold! Man, I will always love TV.

Deuces,
Erika

The "Real" Real World

Real World is a situation we've been dealing with since way back when. And more recently, College Hill came up as well. Here's the problem: seven good looking kids/adults (depending on what shows you're watching) are living in a nice ass area in a nice ass house, getting some cushy ass jobs. Where's the real?

So this is what I propose. We take seven good looking kids/adults, and build a nice ass house in a badass area. Then let them live in it. With no alarm systems, just baseball bats. And then force them to get jobs with no help, just pens, resumes, and this "natural charm" these kids/adults are supposed to have. Keep them there for three months, videotape it, and let everyone see just how real the world can be.

I'm seeing Real World Inglewood, Real World Bankhead, Real World 4th Ward, Real World Compton...and then College Hill East LA, College Hill Indian Creek...the list can really been endless. As long as there is a hood, there will be a Real World. Hopefully MTV can get that in production right after this season of From G's to Gents is over.

Deuces,
Erika

Mmmm...Do Not Want

I came home today, sweaty and exhausted from riding my bike from school in 93 degree heat, ready to collapse onto my bed, eat a chocolate pudding cup, and watch Tyra. I opened my front door, staggered into my room, and stopped.

There were two people in my room. And another bed. A made one at that. And did I mention there were assorted boxes and bags littered next to the bed?

Um, I have a new roommate. Who likes to talk on the phone...loudly. And puts a big emphasis on cable television. And likes to be in the house...alot. Ugh. I'll update later as the development...erm, develops. Thank god I place to my complete own is not that far away. I wish I had a way to update everyone minute by minute. Maybe I'll get a Twitter...or Tumblr. Options...

THIS JUST IN:
TYRA WILL BE ROCKING CUBANNIE LINKS ON HER SHOW TOMORROW! OMG! I JUST SAW THE EPISODE PREVIEW! THIS TOTALLY NEEDS ALL CAPS FOR EMPHASIS! WILL REPORT BACK ON THIS!

So where was I? Oh yeah, I'll tell you all about the new roommate situation later. In the meantime, I think I'll get that long awaited pudding cup.

Deuces,
Erika

Moment Of Insanity

So I'm watching this show, Moment of Truth...I guess I'm a little late on it now since the show's been on for awhile (but I don't have cable yet in this apt, soooo)...but I just don't get it. I mean, I guess it's a good social commentary on just how ruthlessly greedy people can be nowadays. But it's just ridiculous. The questions are stupid:"Do you think your coworker looks ugly in that dress?" And not only that, but this quote/unquote audience? I think it might be comprised of tapes that go "OOoooOOOohhh" and "Ohhhhhh!" and applaud. There also might be a hint of a laugh track in there too; it's hard to tell.

Anyway, so what I'm really getting at is the contestants. They're retarded. They have too many secrets. And not even that; they have too many bad, personal secrets. See, I would never go on the show because my secrets would hurt my family, friends, etc too much if they knew about them. BUT. If I was one of those very bland people whose biggest "don't tell" was that they once picked a wedgie while they were in an unoccupied stairway in 8th grade, then I would totally sign up. Sure, it would make for bad TV, but at least I would make some serious bank.

And they say being boring doesn't pay. Wait, wait. No they don't.

Deuces,
Erika

This Is Just Plain Unjust

Normally, good song jacking commercials don't phase me all that much. Yeah, I got annoyed when they used "Home" by Great Northern and "You're A Wolf" by Sea Wolf to sell cars, and Santogold songs to sell just about anything else. But this is just too much. All advertisers out there, please leave Justice alone. They are getting used and abused more than a cheap hooker's vag. And I can't take it! I love Justice and take everything that happens to them personally. Okay...I may be crazy, but oh well! Keep selling your shit with semi-successful indie tunes, but don't you ever lay another fat finger on my Gaspard and Xavier (who I'm going to marry btw. It'll be a double groom wedding with Zach Condon, obvi).

Now, for your entertainment and loathing, peep the many unJustices that have occurred. The more you know...erm...the better you are than other people, I guess.

A sick misuse of "Genesis" to market denim:



The wanton use of "Waters of Nazareth" for the new season of ABDC



And finally this Cadillac ad I'm unable to embed. So you see, it's just getting out of hand. Justice are my homeboys (well, in my mind they are) and I won't stand for this over-commercialization any longer! Thank you and goodnight.

Deuces,
Erika

Do You Want To Work For Diddy?

All images courtesy of vh1

So Diddy is in the market for a new personal assistant. He rounds up twelve people, puts them in two teams (uptown and downtown), and then throws them all over New York while they perform various and ridiculous tasks for him.

This is lame. The Making the Band kids were doing this back when Diddy was shutting the studio down. They got him cheesecake. These scavenger hunts are nothing new.

For the first episode, he had them doing 50 crazy things. They had to learn the art of multitasking, which involves dressing mannequins and making Diddy fresh fruit salads. Photos of nonsense after the nonexistent jump.


Needless to say, both teams do not know the art of multitasking and thus didn't finish all their tasks. There was hell to pay.

For the latest episode, Diddy tossed them into a forest where you could only find the directions by answering obscure Puff Daddy trivia, like when exactly he changed his name from Puff Daddy to P. Diddy. These people don't know anything about Diddy and are answering questions based on what they have read off Wikipedia. Every so often, they cut back to a video of Diddy sitting in a chair providing motivational words.

There is a girl on here, who is, how should I say...next-level. Her name is Kim and she goes by "Poprah." She calls her teammates amateurs and is apparently knocking bitches out the box, a la Hellz Bellz, if you will. But her hair is pretty. I can say that.

Is anyone watching this craziness? Does anyone personally want to work for Diddy? No bitchassness? Punch punch?

Deuces,
Erika

Blogging On Liquor Does Not Make Things Quicker

I am running out of post ideas. Maybe blogging master Sarah Morrison can help? Things are not flowing out of my mind freely and without warning. She is thinking about bookmarking my page so only say nice things about her girls! We will make her shitty days great! Right?

On a positive note, I am watching the Aqua Teen Movie for the second time. On a negative note, my boyfriend yelled at me in the car. It was like one of those ishes where dudes hit you and then say, "I am so sorry, I only do it because I love you." Only insert verbal slaps instead of physical ones.

We got a six pack of Sweetwater Ale and a box of rainbow M&M cookies and ate them on the roof tonight. Then I got to sit down and watch the Britcoms while Clint modeled his new amp and my boyfriend picked up his old mail.

Too bad this night could not have been documented con photos and such. Sry everyone. I left my camera in the living room.

Dinner was fantastic. I love chicken and fish tacos and fetus burritos. Those are burritos big enough to be fetuses, just to clear that up. Kay...Oh and then we hung out at the sewer runoff and had some more beer. Yes, this really is how boring my life is. It's not exciting due to my prominent cult blogger status. I'm not off signing headshots at conventions, or doing flaming shots with Brazilian showgirls.

Kthxbai.

Deuces,
Erika