Open Letter To All The Skinny Girls On Campus

Dear Thin Mints,

First of all, you guys have amazing style. No lie. Props where props are do. Your ability to accessorize thrifted mocassins, skinny jeans, and secondhand cashmere sweaters with filmy scarves and doorknockers is nothing to be laughed at. But hmmm. I wonder something every time I see you guys. Does ice water run through your veins? Is there a reason you can rationalize wearing winter wear in the middle of summer? Do you know where you live? The Valley. It's like regular life, if your life was dipped in an active volcano. It's fucking hot. In fact, I get hotter looking at you, wrapped up in your long sleeved button down and knee high boots.

Maybe it is because of your low BMI that heat just breezes right through you. It's no secret that girls with some chub hate summer because it means shorts and tank tops and sweat dripping all over the fat bits...ugh. But what is your excuse? For the sake of this argument, I'm going to reiterate a key point. We live in the Valley. La Valleja, I guess. I dunno, I'm making espanol up off the top of my head. Not the point. But I don't think I've ever been in a store that even sells jackets here. You guys have to be outsourcing this ish. And that just takes time and money your parents don't want to spend.

So do me a favor. Put on a slip, call it a dress, and continue to stare evilly at me. We'll all be feeling better in no time!

Deuces,
Erika

Open Letter To U.O.

Dear Urban Outfitters,

You have nice clothing. This is mostly because, unlike American Apparel, you sell other people's clothes. Yeah, you have that in house collection, but we both know it's just there to take up space in the sale section.

I have a propensity to buy everything there. Let me say now that that would not happen were you to stop selling the Kimchi & Blue line at your stores. That would be a dark day indeed.

But ohai, why put so much effort into creating a wonderful selection of other label's clothing and not use that same attitude when you sell accessories.

Let me preface this by saying I buy my sunglasses everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean where they cost less than 20 bucks. Alright. Let's move on.

I buy those totally hipster Ray-ban wannabe sunglasses from you guys. I am under the impression that you guys (or some ten year olds in the Philippines) manufacture them. Why is the quality so shitty, UO? I have only owned my most recent pair for two months and the frame has already cracked. Don't start blaming this on the fact that I stuff them in a bag already holding a planner, pocket notebook, Blackberry, keys, water bottle, comb, mirror, umbrella, checkbook, pens and pencils, tampons, and on rare occasions, novel. This has nothing to do with that.

I have taken to repairing said frames with super glue. pliers, and a hair clip. While, yes, I have discovered that being MacGyver is easier than it looks, I shouldn't have to do this. I have sunglasses that cost about ten bucks less than yours from Forever 21 and they have lasted me two years, maintenance free.

So, in summation, please continue selling other people's clothes and start selling other people's sunglasses. Kthxbai.

Deuces,
Erika