"the adorability level goes from mellow to insane in 60 seconds"

hey what's up? how you been? how you gonna be? good on all accounts. nice.

the internet is a magical and wondrous place that lets you do amazing things like buy quail eggs and email the pope and sometimes it lets you do awesome things like stalk adorable dudes and sit at home making shrines to them and shout at the screen how much you want to have their babies and cook them grilled cheeses.

and SOMETIMES it lets you find out that people are preggersface. like jewels. because i am like the olsen twins detective agency of the interwebs (wonder twins, activate) , i had to do deep digging into this amazing revelation.

basically she is pregnant and her baby will be awesome. like MIA's baby, but from new york, so more legit. congrats, jewels! on your baby and your new boobs and months of people giving up their seat on the subway!

sooooo...around here things are just bro as shit, minus the bros. i've been partying and hanging around in chinatown (not really but it rhymes) and totally neglecting that big thing in my life called COLLEGE so i guess i should get back to that. in the immortal words of christine, the old missbehave intern, "it's not a good look."

oh also you can apply to be my bro, if you want. i've been looking to incorporate some new blood/fresh meat into my posse. i'm totally legit and i rock hard and roll hard and do epic shit on a daily basis and my favorite restaurant is mcdonalds.

AND DID I TELL YOU MY FRIEND GOT A SKATEBOARD? yeah she totally did. i'm gonna make her teach me how to ride the concrete wave in exchange for marking her present every day she's absent in our music in film class.

dope. bomb. sweet. check you guys on the sunny side.

E

It Is So On, You Guys

What the fuck is up everybody? I haven't been here in yerrrrs. So this is gonna sound totally infomercial-licious but I wanna talk to you guys about something pretty bitching. So the amazing all around mega woman Meghan and her co-pilots on EpicLady Air are walking in the Breast Cancer 3-Day! I know you guys are stoked on this. Contain your squeals of delight. This ain't Christmas.

But it can be just like it! Their team, Cancer Schmancer (seriously? what deity gave them the ability to come up this brilliance?!) is trying to raise money and THEY NEED YOU! Por serio, any and every bit helps! And this money is totally legit. You're not giving this to someone in Cote D'Ivore who needs to you to transfer 50,000.00 into a domestic bank account and all that blahblahblah. You're giving hard earned money to hard working ladies! I did! Feels good!

So get the fuck on it! You can give money here. Sorry, that's a typo. That sentence should read, You give money here.

Woohoo no cankles no sprains no pain just gain!

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I Got 911 On Speed Dial 'Cause I'm Killing It On A Daily Basis

(picture blatantly stolen from savagesunshine. all use of sarah morrison is uncopyrighted and in the hopes she won't kill me for using this picture)

Lalala life is good. It could be worse. It isn't great. But it's good and that makes me happy. Tralala! Yesterday was my last day of therapy. It was awesome. It's like, unbelievable to think about all the progress and change I've made in the five months I've been in it. I feel like I can handle anything. Booyah!

Also, my friends are awesome. I love them. I love my real life friends Sarah and Emma and Sarah and Olivia and Sam. And I love my internet friends unicornfandance and calcium and dizzydance and scaramouche and itsamystery and eventhis (dude, if you're not on tumblr you're totally not even gonna get this). Oh and my blawg friends Jewels and Randi and Dinah and Amaris and so on a so forth.

Basically I love everybody! I can love you too, if you want. It's free, unless you want fame too. Fame has a price, and right here is where you start paying. Or something like that.

ANYWAYS, I am still trying to get all the money together to get into a studio apt closer to the city. People get poorer and things get more expensive. So I'm assuming I might actually get into the city when I'm 40...if I'm lucky. It's good to have a dream. So I hear.

So yup, I love everyone and things are fun lalala I'm going to learn to sew clothes because I don't go shopping anymore and I have this dream to basically have the wardrobe of a few certain amazing Skins characters (Naomi, Emily, Pandora).

Oh and if you want to reach me, you can do so through my Tumblr. I'm really there ALL the time. My IRL friends can attest to that. And I'm funnier. In case you didn't think that was possible.

And also thank you to LiLu for sending me that Planet Unicorn link. It did make my day, in the way only a gay unicorn is capable of. And also I cannot wait until V puts up the last of those party pictures because I look extremely good and since I can't really remember what happened, I'm hoping those pics will jog said memory.

2009 is kicking it SO HARD, no?

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Go Hard Or Go Home. I Haven't Been Home Since Birth

(did i mention i love unicorns? no? oh, well i do.)

Ughhh. I wish I could emit an audible sigh over the internet. No wait, nevermind. That kind of sounds like I want to fart over the internet. I don't btw. So you know. But I'm just a little sad. Sarah and Olivia are gone and I really miss them. It was nice to come home to someone saying "hey." And it was nice not to watch TV alone. And to hang out with people who didn't make fun of me or get irritated at me for literally parking myself in front of my laptop and not moving. And I'm gonna miss those Sundays when Sarah would be hungover and drag her pillow and blanket into the living room and sleep the whole day and then wake up at like 8:30pm and just start watching TV and eating. And Olivia's cooking, because it was amazing and she was super nice about the mac & cheese I made (even though I thought it was gross) and she taught me how to eat an artichoke, which tastes weirdgood and requires butter so you know I'm down.

Basically without them here it's just empty silence. I shout at the TV during Tyra and no one laughs. I buy cupcakes and no one goes "Yay!" When I come downstairs no one's fallen alseep in front of the TV. There are no five cheese pizzas in the freezer and no backpack full of cooking supplies in the pantry.

Plus I have been having a few issues in my personal life. Basically, to say I'm ready to get back into dating would be an understatement. Like, soon, really. Throwing all my energy into those skateboarders I see outside in between class isn't doing me any good. Then again, staring them down until they look at me and then looking away probably isn't the best way to go about it.

In any case, I'm fucking tired of being a doormat and a pussy. It's just a bummer that I'm so good at it.

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Stay Strong In The Face Of Lil Mama, Girl

(hell yeah gifparty!)
Sooooo, in case you didn't know (which would mean you weren't either of the Sarahs in my life - Fondypoo and Morrison), I started writing for an online magazine last week. I was hesitant to divulge all deets since I am now actually representing a company blah blah blah but the internet has always been and will always be my home, so excuse me while I take off my shoes, light a cigarette, grab a can of Snapple, and get comfy.

My first assignment was to review the new Asobi Seksu album, which is thebomb.com, btw. The album drops tomrrow in case you're feeling inclined to pick it up, but in the meantime, allow me to redirect you to the worldwideweb where my article is posted and sitting happily amongst its peers. I'm not gonna lie, I'm fucking excited. I almost jizzed in my pants when I saw it this morning while greedily refreshing my browser, and I called my mom and texted my exbf and then got a text from Sarah F congratulating me, which totally warmed my heart because at the time I was walking in a shitstorm of rain, getting completely soaked (despite the umbrella over my head), and generally looking sadfaced and sobbing loudly.

So yup yup you can read the article here and then send me countless messages about how much you love me, how good of a writer I am, how badly you want to send me monies so I can get a studio apt, how much you want me to be your girlfriend (available!) and so on and so forth.

And might I add that you should listen to The Lonely Island's CD, Incredibad? It's EPIC. Hint: if you liked "Jizz in My Pants" and "I'm on a Boat" then you will probably ENJOY this shit out of this album. Like me. Maybe we can enjoy it together (still available!) over pizza and cookie cake?

Word.

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Turn Into A Jet (Like A Boss)

(via)

Things have been craze around here y'all. And when I say craze, I mean, eh, mildly worth mentioning, which is craze since it's more than normally happens. Sarah's still here, being awesome, and Olivia moved into a really cute house in LA, which Sarah will go to, one day, probably when I stop making her waffles for breakfast and tortilla strips when she's hungover. So, never. But when Sarah leaves it will officially mean things over here are back to normal, which is kinda sad, because the two of them being here was the most fun I've had in my six months of living in LA. I'm going to miss them. And probably get them a housewarming gift. I have an idea, but MDMA is pretty expensive, so I guess I'll just be making them ordinary brownies. Oh well.

How was everyone's Valentine's day? Sarah and I watched Bridget Jones' Diary and fell asleep on the floor. But the Friday before was fun. Sarah and Olivia and I got drunk and watched Bring It On: All Or Nothing and then I got some cake and then we walked to the liquor store but all I really remember is spilling my drinks a lot and falling and then telling them my plan to get acid with Sarah (the Fonder of the two) and going to Venice and painting with watercolors and then someone said, "Watercolors?!" but I'm not sure if that was a dream or not. Either way, fun.

On the subject of my love life (or lack thereof), I've been attempting to win over the hearts of the scruffy skateboarders on campus, but it's been generally unsucessful. I should perhaps think of better ways to get them to notice me other than staring at them nonstop from across the hall and then greedily eyeing their bags of Taco Bell. But that's just unfair because I don't have the energy to walk to TB. Of course if I had a skateboard I would go there! If I had a skateboard I could make all my transpo dreams come true.

This new Lily Allen album is also completely blowing my mind. Sarah (the Fondest one, again) gave me a copy of it two days ago (she got it on presale because she's so clever) and I've already listened to it four times. I've also put on "The Fear" and cleaned my kitchen while jumping and bouncing around like a crack addict, but be thankful you weren't there to witness that firsthand.

But that's basically it. My life is finally picking up and heading in the direction I envisioned and I'm almost a little proud that it only took 6 months in one of the toughest cities in the US for it to happen. The year is finally starting off for me and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fucking stoked for it. Things still bum me out, get me down, and defeat me. I still stand in front of my kitchen window smoking a cigarette and crying, and I still look to others for strength sometimes, but I also laugh more and love more and live more and that makes it all worth it. I've taken a lot of risks, made a lot of mistakes, and (hopefully) learned from all of them. I'm going to continue to work hard and play harder and if you wanna employ me, I'm a bomb ass employee. I know a lot about a little, but I like to learn and I have a fabulous work wardrobe. Really. I impress myself sometimes. Did I mention I need a job? Just checking.

E

Everything's Better With Porno!

Soooo...as sadcute as it is to admit, I didn't have anything better to do tonight than go see a movie by myself. It was either that or sit home eating those fancypants Stouffer's TV dinners that I bought on sale from Ralph's 10 for 10.00, but those were just glorified Kid Cuisines (remember those? My epic domestic fail mawm basically fed those to me at least three times a week during mid to late childhood), so I chose the former option.

I went to the theatre and after a brief scuffle with a man with a super intense stutter and overflowing amounts of pedo-creepiness (for surrious sir, I don't want a boyfriend on the side and even if I'm lying by saying I'm still in high school, you shouldn't be hitting on me) I sat down to watch this lovely piece of cinema entitled Serbis with the other eight people in the theatre.

I'm not gonna sit here and be like, "Ooooh, it made you think and it was soooo arthouse and good and even though you're not gonna get it, you, like, get it, man. You just get it." Because you won't and it isn't and I didn't and two hours later, I still don't know what I saw. Plus it had subtitles. And the sneak-uppy kind that don't hit you until three scenes into the movie when everyone stops speaking English and starts speaking this English/Spanish/Filipino hybrid and the subtitles kick in.

Um, basically it's about this family that lives in this huge theatre where they also, oh, you know, just happen to show pornos. Pretty run of the mill. All the gays come to the theatre and then sell their bodies (totally just thought of that to the tune of Mariah's "Touch My Body") and so while the movie's running, everyone's pretty much sucking dick for dollars or pesos or chocolate coins or whatever the currency in the movie is (I'm not really sure) and then a goat turns up and then a girl gets pregnant (this is not a spoiler) and trannies give "strutting" lessons. The house is pretty cool though, really big and ornate with a fuckload of stairs. I mean seriously, by now I would think someone might have looked into putting in an elevator or an escalator, but, you know.

Oh and people are naked a lot and there's a non-porno sex scene which is hot in a strange way (kind of like how really fucked up porn still turns you on even though you tilt your head and squint to look at it) and I guess this movie is fantastic if you really feel like bumming around in a theatre for an hour and forty-five minutes and have a friend to talk through throughout the whole thing, because really, you could tune in at any given time and have the same amount of back-knowledge.

If all else fails and my deeply introspective and incredibly riveting review of this feature didn't satiate your needs, here's the trailer. And if that doesn't help, then get the fuck outta my face, because you're probably hopeless and have no business watching movies or reading about them.



E