love is a seven letter word (s-p-l-o-o-s-h)

AHHHHH, YOU GUYS! AHHH TILL THE END OF TIME! archer's season finale was what, like, a whole week ago? and i still haven't said anything about this show? WHAT UP WITH THAT? and it's especially crazy that i haven't broken my silence re: archer because i love it so much. like, seriously? ever since the untimely demise of 70/30 productions, and, subsequently, its creations frisky dingo and sealab: 2021 (RIP, pour one out for the annihilatrix and grizzlebee's onion bursts, respectively), i have had a hole in my heart that seemingly no adult cartoon could fill. i resorted to empty sex, as is my way, but no amount of monotonous boning via worthless TV programming was enough. I HAD A HUNGER. A DESIRE. A FIRE. ALL THE MAKINGS OF A HIT 80s ROCK BALLAD.

then archer came along. and i was like, what is this? what will this be? i found it comforting that the animation style was so much like frisky dingo's, and like a soft blanket you jacked from your gram's place because it smelled like childhood (cheap beer and plastic furniture covers in the summer), i wrapped myself up in it and settled in.

and oh my god. archer blew my mind. to be fair though, my mind is pretty easy. you don't know how many times i've had to stop my brain and be like, "dude, come on. he doesn't actually drive a benz. and his condo is a crack den. just because he dances well and bought you a drink doesn't mean you should go home with him tonight. brain! brain! don't get in that car! i'm calling you a cab. YOU'RE DRUNK." even still, i thought archer was great. i slowly felt that hole in my heart start to fill up until there wasn't one anymore. it was nice and smooth, like the part of the road near my house that got re-paved.

anyway, i could go on all day about how great the sharp writing and the casting (oh my god, JESSICA WALTERS WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH FOR TWO ROLES: LUCILLE BLUTH AND MALORY ARCHER. I'M SERIOUS. WE'RE DONE HERE. and fuckkkkkk meeeee with a chaaaiiinnsaaaw i am so glad to see h. jon benjamin back on a cartoon. i missed him so hard post-home movies. you know that scene where coach mcguirk is trying to become a bartender but keeps failing and ends up drunk on all the ridiculously bad cocktails he's mixed at home for himself? you know that's basically a metaphor for my life? oh, thought you knew.) are and how perfect ALL of it is, because it ALL is, but mostly i want to talk about how meaningful the season finale ("dial m for mother") was to me. it like, took all these warm, fuzzy feelings i had, bought them a pretty little princess dress and a corsage, and escorted them to the senior prom of MY HEART. it was, in a nutshell, EVERYTHING i missed about frisky dingo. everything i watched archer for. everything i love about adult cartoons. and more. ANDDDD MORRRREEEE.

without giving away any of the storyline, because it's pretty interesting, i just want to point out a few things that got me in *here* (by 'here' i definitely mean heart. not mouth, you jerk! IT'S NOT ALWAYS FOODFOODFOOD with me, you know!):

• the constant use of the word "sploosh." x-tacles, anybody? "boosh"? classic catchphrase. sploosh took me there. took me back to the days of saying BOOSH! after everything.
  
• how much pam reminds me of valerie, killface's former assistant. like, JESUS. she's hell-bent on getting someone to sleep with her and she possesses that same bitter, cynical, annoyed view of the world. seriously, the parallels between the two of them light up my world.
  
• the running steuben bar glass set joke! AHHHH, YOU GUYS! flashbacks to simon and the bowls! "THAT'S OUR LAST BOWL!" tears in my eyes. glow in my heart.
  

from the c-storyline involving the russian agents with the fake baby to the machine built just to erotically asphyxiate cheryl to the KGB agent that keeps running around holding a pink silk nightie, this episode was the most perfect departure from all the (relative) normalcy that archer possesses. this is where it just dove face first into absurdity, but it was lovely and hilarious and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt and i mean, i can't even begin to tell you how it felt to finally connect with a show as much as i connected with frisky dingo. it was just fan-fucking-tastic.

and yes, archer does have its moments of ableism and sexism, but i can appreciate that they're acknowledged as character flaws vs the family guy method of shrugging, muttering, "welp!" and accepting that a baby is just going to be racist. BECAUSE WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, RIGHT? it also bothers me somewhat how lana's body is illustrated: big tits, tiny waist, skimpy clothes, does a lot of gun shooting in lingerie. it's a little too lara croft for me but WHATEVER, GUYS! NOTHING'S PERFECT!

so basically i just want infinite seasons of archer forever and ever until i die. or until the jokes get stale and make me lose the will to live. i'm looking at you, the office.

she is exactly right, you guys.

as even more proof that she is as lovely as she appears, miss frl. zucker caught wind of my (borderline creepy? i'm bad at the internet, i think) post in which i basically confessed my complete and utter adoration of her and used it not to toot her own horn (although it is a horn which deserves as much honking as the one on her supercute bike gwenog jones), but to bouy the self-esteems of her fellow ladies, writing this:

anything i can do you can do too. i neither have a secret talent nor am i gifted. i'm not trying to be modest, this is truly my honest opinion. reading this also made me think of how i am constantly comparing myself to others aswell, how i always think others are so much greater than me, draw better than me, do much cooler things than me, are happier and prettier than me, etc. i don't believe this is a healthy habit. you and i aren't any better or worse than the people around us, i am slowly learning this. everyone can make something from nothing everyday in their own way. you don't have to watch people doing cool things, you can be the one doing those things! you've got the power! seriously.

and you know what, folks? she's right! while i don't think there's anything wrong with admiring someone or a quality of theirs, what do we gain from comparing ourselves to anyone else? nothing, but a one-way ticket to FROWNTOWN (population: you and those annoying hyenas from lion king that really got on my nerves). we have enough shit thrown at us on the daily to waste what's left of our energy on feeling bad about ourselves or what we have to offer! we should be focusing on what we're good at and what makes our boats float. then we should try to get rich and buy me a pizza oven. or not, that's really your call.

but don't get bogged down with what you can't do and look at what you can! pretty please? with sugar and a maraschino (like the cherry?) on top? yes, THANK YOU! i can't even believe this is a lesson we have to keep learning over and over again, but it is and we do. ah well. sisters are doing it for themsellllvessss!

ALSO: sarah and i are working on something super rad and totally bitchin'! so far we're just fleshing out the idea skeletons but if we cna put it on the internet, i think it'll be a big hit. you're gonna love it, pinky promise.

E

ugly betty is tearing up my heart, n'sync style, you guys!

jiminy christmas, did anyone in the blogosphere watch last night's premiere of ugly betty season 4?! wait, what? people had lives and were actually out of their houses and hanging with friends and not trying to delay cold death on the living room sofa just a few moments longer and find something to occupy their dusty old mindprunes after degrassi went off and basically just shouting non-sequiturs to their wall, like "THAT IS FUCKED UP!" and "THIS OVEN COOKED PIZZA IS SO GOOD! IT REALLY ISN'T DELIVERY!" no? really? oh, well, then i may be in this ugly betty tizzy by myself. "um, good sir, may i have a TV-induced tizzy for one, please?" "yes, why yes you may. have fun dying alone." "thank you, sir!"

BASICALLY betty got a new job working as the associate features editor and she's over the fucking moon about it (who wouldn't be?! besides someone who got demoted but we don't even have TIME for demotions in the fashion industry! too busy trying to force body images on young girls and make sure those yards of crinoline come in! spring/summer '10 is gonna be SO BIG on crinoline, you guys. maybe.) and she's dealing with the new scenario of working for her ex-boyfriend matt who made a total cunt move and took the job to be her boss once she punched him in the heart with a bulldozer glove (not a real thing, but i am actively seeking a backer to make it HAPPEN!), not to mention we've got this new thing with justin, everyone's favorite teenager, just entering high school. plus christina's gone, daniel's grieving over dead wife ashes, wilhelmina is sheltering her murderous daughter nico (ps omg YAYA from TOP MODEL?! pinch me until i die please!!), trying to find connor for some good, old fashioned extortion (american values, left and right, y'all) and STILL trying to take over mode. WHOO! busy bees up in this hive this season! and that's just the tip of the fucking honey pot!

instead of going further into the episode, which you can watch in full HERE, can i just say how much i supremely love and identify with this season? the whole feeling of being super excited about something you've been trying to do forever and finally achieved and then feeling like you don't even fit in with that crowd which simultaneously crushes your dream bubble and makes you work harder so you can justify singing "survivor" by destiny's child at karaoke, and having to come in daily contact with a person you cared for and accidentally screwed up with that is repeatedly ignoring you and immaturely fucking you over constantly? and being bullied in high school because you're different and no one likes change and you really ARE that kid with the bright pink gucci shirt eating alone in the lunch room because the bathroom stalls are rank and you can't have food in the library and then feeling like you can only talk about it to someone who isn't your parent and your parent is pissy mcangrypants that you didn't come to them? and you feel stuck in the middle while also trying to navigate your own fucked up adolescent issues? and missing someone that was taken from your life way too soon and lashing out by alternating between anger and tears? can i just say i identify with all of that and so this season excites me just a tad bit more than the prospect of getting laid? JUST A TAD?

whatevs. i'm stoked. if you didn't catch it last night, i suggest you watch it! tears won't cry themselves and hearts don't warm automatically! well, maybe if they were robot hearts, but i would need some proof of you being a robot. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

E

Stay Strong In The Face Of Lil Mama, Girl

(hell yeah gifparty!)
Sooooo, in case you didn't know (which would mean you weren't either of the Sarahs in my life - Fondypoo and Morrison), I started writing for an online magazine last week. I was hesitant to divulge all deets since I am now actually representing a company blah blah blah but the internet has always been and will always be my home, so excuse me while I take off my shoes, light a cigarette, grab a can of Snapple, and get comfy.

My first assignment was to review the new Asobi Seksu album, which is thebomb.com, btw. The album drops tomrrow in case you're feeling inclined to pick it up, but in the meantime, allow me to redirect you to the worldwideweb where my article is posted and sitting happily amongst its peers. I'm not gonna lie, I'm fucking excited. I almost jizzed in my pants when I saw it this morning while greedily refreshing my browser, and I called my mom and texted my exbf and then got a text from Sarah F congratulating me, which totally warmed my heart because at the time I was walking in a shitstorm of rain, getting completely soaked (despite the umbrella over my head), and generally looking sadfaced and sobbing loudly.

So yup yup you can read the article here and then send me countless messages about how much you love me, how good of a writer I am, how badly you want to send me monies so I can get a studio apt, how much you want me to be your girlfriend (available!) and so on and so forth.

And might I add that you should listen to The Lonely Island's CD, Incredibad? It's EPIC. Hint: if you liked "Jizz in My Pants" and "I'm on a Boat" then you will probably ENJOY this shit out of this album. Like me. Maybe we can enjoy it together (still available!) over pizza and cookie cake?

Word.

E