"And There Isn't A Single Clock In Los Angeles?" And Other Reasons Why Everybody's Life Recaps Sound Like Sarah Morrison's Best Week Ever

Recently, my phone has started acting up. By acting up, I mean just literally cutting the fuck off right in the middle of texting, conversations, and in general. For some reason, this defectiveness has affected my phone's clock, which is somehow behind an hour or 15 minutes. Confused, I called my mom and asked her the time. She told me she was busy, talked to me, then asked me why I called. I told her it was to see what time it was. I explained my phone's brokenness. She said, "Are you telling me there isn't a single clock in Los Angeles?"

I was at the Simi Valley Town Center in gross boring Simi Valley, looking for Urban. I texted my mom, "This place is boring and quiet. You would like it. Except I think I'm the only black person here."

My mom called me and told me that there wouldn't be heat or hot water in the townhouse I'm moving into until Monday. She then asked if I wanted to stay in the apt I currently live in for another week. I told her, "I will heat my bath water in the microwave before I stay in this apt!"

After math class, some kids and I were talking while having some American Spirits. Somehow the topic of porn came up. They shared their respective favorite porn sites and laughed when they realized they were the same. One kid looked at me and said, "Erika, do you watch porn?" I shrugged and said, "Yeah, when I have nothing better to do."

My mom called me and told me about how she had to take my dog Frizzy to the vet for some bumps on her back. Apparently, the vet said it was due to Frizzy being allergic to her own environment. I said, "That's ridiculous! The next thing you know, they'll diagnose her with Fibromyalgia!"

My roommate had a large group of friends over. This girl came to the door telling us about some break-from-study party she and some people were throwing involving food, drinks, and free hand massages. I went to tell my roommate and company. At the end I said, "I guess she'll see ya'll there." Upon leaving, I heard one girl say, "Ya'll?" and another say, "That's Atlanta." Then they laughed. I texted my bf, saying, "Why do they have to make fun of me for saying ya'll? I don't make fun of them for saying hella!" He replied, "That's because you say that too."

E

Weird Things Erika Says

Anyone who knows me well pretty much knows that aside from very rare ocassions, there is basically no filter from my brain to my mouth. I tend to say anything, anytime, usually for no real reason. I'm thinking of making this a daily feature, since I always say at least one weird thing a day. Maybe, maybe not. But for now, let's take a look back at weird shit I've said in the past.

"You make me so mad I wish I could grow a million fists and then punch you with all of them."

"I didn't pay ten dollars to stare at the backs of dudes' heads, I paid ten dollars to see some naked women!"

"She looked like the grown up version of those scary little pageant girls."

"I'm convinced the place where she used to live didn't have doors, it just had open walkways, because she doesn't know how to close a door without slamming it."

"We're going to the park. Oh, um, nevermind, no we're not. I'm going to commit suicide instead."

"Your toothpaste smells like ham."

"Can you mail me some quarters so I can do my laundry?"

"I don't know the Heinrich Manuever!"

"You choked into my glass of water!"

"Well you could have at least asked me something exciting, like 'Are you hungry?'"

"The dentist was drilling my teeth forever. It sounded like an Animal Collective song."

"Hurricane Ike is a gas killer!"

"That dog is a hypochondriac!"

"I like candy corn. It tastes like sugar and wax."

Deuces,
Erika