Oh my gawd. Okay dudes, so I came home tonight at midnight, tired from being on my feet for six hours straight and failing to seduce a stray cat (more on that later, no bestiality involved), changed into my PJ's (a pair of 70s style shorts with rainbows and Snoopy's printed on them and one of my bf's t-shirts), screwed the top off the bottle of Arizona Green Tea with Honey and sat down to watch some TV. Ugh, no double ugh.
This Real Housewives of Atlanta show is beyond BAD. It needs a new word to describe how shitty it is. Maybe the antidope. Yeah, it's the antidope. Not only are these women materialistic, shallow and annoying creatures, they DON'T live in Atlanta. Wanna know how I know? It's nearly impossible to buy a house that unnecessarily large in the city of ATL. Plus homegirl said it herself: "I live north of the city." They're living in Duluth and Sugarloaf. I should know, I spent a good chunk of childhood in that nightmarish rose colored suburbian bubble. Both are at least 30 minutes away from the city (without traffic). Plus these people seem like they don't actually understand the city. They constantly compare the party scene to that of NY or LA (oh whoa not true) and one of the even enlightens us about how the city is integrated, how blacks and whites intermingle. Christ, lady, it's the city of Atlanta, not Jasper or Ringgold. Chill down, Martina Luther King. Not to mention aside from the transition shots, you never actually see any scenes filmed in the city. Um and believe me you would know. The city is ugly and dirty, with poor infrastructure and not that much to look at. Plus you would see some bums, some daytime hour hoes, and a ton of people with messenger bags.
Basically this show is an epic fail. A fail more epic than any other. A severe wind tunnel of intelligence and emotion. A black hole of culture. Did I say fail?
I mean, I hate that awful city just as much as the next person who lives there, but it's my city, y'know? And I stand by its poor infrastucture and improper use of city tax money, because that's what citizens (and ohai ex-pats) do. So boo, Bravo and fake housewives, boo to you. Let's start putting the ATL back in Atlanta and creating bumper stickers that make sense!
Deuces,
Erika
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
You Must Be Fucking Kidding Me
Friday, August 29, 2008
Moment Of Insanity
So I'm watching this show, Moment of Truth...I guess I'm a little late on it now since the show's been on for awhile (but I don't have cable yet in this apt, soooo)...but I just don't get it. I mean, I guess it's a good social commentary on just how ruthlessly greedy people can be nowadays. But it's just ridiculous. The questions are stupid:"Do you think your coworker looks ugly in that dress?" And not only that, but this quote/unquote audience? I think it might be comprised of tapes that go "OOoooOOOohhh" and "Ohhhhhh!" and applaud. There also might be a hint of a laugh track in there too; it's hard to tell.
Anyway, so what I'm really getting at is the contestants. They're retarded. They have too many secrets. And not even that; they have too many bad, personal secrets. See, I would never go on the show because my secrets would hurt my family, friends, etc too much if they knew about them. BUT. If I was one of those very bland people whose biggest "don't tell" was that they once picked a wedgie while they were in an unoccupied stairway in 8th grade, then I would totally sign up. Sure, it would make for bad TV, but at least I would make some serious bank.
And they say being boring doesn't pay. Wait, wait. No they don't.
Deuces,
Erika
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Why I Hate Rock Band
Everyone I know is aware that I hate Rock Band. I do. I kind of really mind Guitar Hero too, but that's more like karoake and Pump to me, so it doesn't really get under my skin. But for some reason, Rock Band really gets me going. First off, I hate those commercials. They try to be funny and sarcastic and clever and all that, but they're lost on me. I know what they're about, but they're stupid.
But I won't continue to talk about adverts forever.
My boyfriend thinks my hate of RB is elitist. Fuck that. You know what, I probably am. When I was in 10th grade, all I wanted was a drum kit. I'd played the flute in MS band for three years (but never got any better) and then took piano lessons under this strict and stringent teacher who never let me paint or grow out my nails. It was boring, but I am an ace pianist.
Anyway, I bought my first drums from Goodwill. It was $25 for four drums that were missing a lot of parts and were pretty crappy, but I sat on my floor and learned them. I bought a ten dollar TEACH YOURSELF DRUMS book. My first pair of sticks were the shittiest ones ever and only cost about three bucks. But day in and day out, I sat in front of those drums and practiced.
Cut to about six months later. My friends and I think it would be cool to start an all girl band. We have two garage sales and raise around $120. With the money we buy an amp, a guitar, and a mic. Then we try to build me a complete drum kit. It's hella expensive. I plead to my mother and she finally buys me a kit about two months later. It becomes my pride and joy. Continuous trips to Guitar Center ensue. I feel empowered when I buy my sticks. I ogle hot boy drummers.
A year and two defunct riot grrrl bands later, I still practice the drums everyday. I am sad to put them in storage when I go to LA. The most wonderful thing that has happened in my drumming career is when I saw this man drumming on an upside down bucket on the street in Atlanta. He was amazing.
I approached him and asked him how long he was playing. He said, "For a really long time." I said, "I've been playing for about a year and I feel like I'm not getting any better."
He said to me, "Keep going. I'm sure you'll get really good."
You don't get that kind of organic, interesting, awesome story from asking your mom to go to Target and buy you Rock Band. You don't get this feeling of accomplishment of learning an instrument from square one and then getting really good at it. You feel like you can conquer the fucking world with that feeling. I don't dismiss the fact that Rock Band gives a lot of people the chance to come out of their shells. I just wonder why people can't just buy a real instrument and do that.
I guess the world likes the instant gratification. Bleh, that's why I hate Rock Band.
Deuces,
Erika
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Whoa! Another Show With Cisco Adler!
You may remember Cisco Adler for a few things: his artistic abilities, his modeling skills, or his band, Whitestarr. No matter how you choose to engrave his image(s) into your mind, you know who he is.
But now....So does MTV! Riding high on his previous success from that song "Buzzin," Schwayze is out and about in the throes of California sunshine, girls, and um...did I say sunshine, with his best friend and boyfriend Cisco Adler. Together, they encounter CRAZY people, do CRAZY things, and embark on CRAZY adventures. Gather round kids, as MTV tells you how it's gonna go down...
The aptly titled reality series Buzzin' chronicles Shwayze's comical misadventures as he tries to navigate his way through the music industry and make a name for himself with Cisco and tour Manager Wareen by his side. Struggling to keep them in check are Suretone Records head honcho Jordan Schur, who made artists like Ashlee Simpson and Limp Bizket household names, assistant David Patton, tour manager Warren, and new-media guru Cat Lake. Together, the wild bunch embarks on a long, winding road to reach the top of the charts.
As Shwayze and Cisco Adler ride the wave of success with "Buzzin'" and embark on a journey of a lifetime, there'll be plenty of candid moments, crazy parties and hilarious hijinks. From video shoots and live performances to beautiful girls and fridges full of beer, the dynamic duo will encounter it all.
See? It's like Stand By Me, only in Malibu, with slutty women, lots of money, and the occasional one night stand.
Wait...did I say occasional? I mean, habitual one night stands. I can't wait to see what kind of Dukes Of Hazard style hijinks these two crazy kids will get into! Haha, be sure to watch. Because you will be the only one.
Here's the song, y'know, so you can see just why they NEED to make a show about these two.
The show airs on July 23rd, at 10 pm. Please make other plans.
Deuces,
Erika
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The Happening Is NOT Happening
I repeat: The Happening is NOT happening. I made the mistake of going tonight, opening night, to see this movie. I saw the 10:30 showing because the earlier show sold the fuck out before we could even get to the theatre.
Anyway, after standing in the ticket line forever and getting "Umbrella" sung to me by some random dude peddling party fliers and calling me Rihanna (grrrrr), we finally got our tickets for a show that wouldn't start for half an hour so we meandered over to CPK to get some food. While waiting for our takeout, we saw this girl, or maybe woman, anyhow, this chick just sitting all alone at her table. All fucking alone. In a busy, bustling restaurant filled with hearty, friendly banter and waiters laughing with each other and managers flitting around happily. This girl was all alone. Eating her bowl of pasta and trying to distract from the fact that she was by herself by intermittently looking around and checking her cell. My boyfriend and I kept hoping someone would come to her table, whoever she was waiting for, or a friend or her man, but no one came. She had two bowls of pasta and then paid her check and left. It was one of the saddest things I've seen, but I've certainly fucking been there before.
So back to The Happening. OK. Terrible. No, HORRENDOUS. Firstly, it's not scary. Secondly, it's hella gory. And people are dying all over the place. I couldn't handle all the violent innuendo. I was totally doing the peeking through two fingers thing. And the movie goes nowhere. To be fair though, it didn't really start anywhere. I don't want to give away the ending, but this whole thing centers around evil plants, kay? That's why dude threw himself under a lawnmower. 'Cause of a plant. Look, just don't waste your money on this movie.
You'll only be paying for M. Night Shyamalan's summer home in the Poconos.
Deuces,
Erika
PS: Zooey Deschanel, while a gorgeous indie music darling, cannot act for shit. Kthxbai.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Be Your Own Pet Is Filming In MN. This Just In: Erika Is Still Hella Jealous
What the fuck. I love Be Your Own Pet. You do too, you won't admit it, I know, but you most certainly do too! I came across a Myspace bulletin from Nylon about BYOP and music videos and "we want you to be in it!"
That got me.
I clicked on it and BAM! like a sick twist of fate I read:
"Attention Minnesota: We're filming a Be Your Own Pet music video in your 'hood this weekend and we want you to come be in it!"
Flipping A. I didn't bother to read on because I was too heartbroken about the 'Sota thing. Why the hell would a music video of a band from Tennessee film in MN?! I know, it even made me use the ?! all over again!
Needless to say I am fucking disappointed. There went my chance to get discovered and become abso famous for just being myself like every other it girl, but fuck it. I will have to continue to whore myself out over Blogger in order to achieve said life position.
(I am just kidding, everyone)
Still, if you reside in MN, check this shit out. Yeah, whatev, you're welcome for the notice. If you get famous, email me and let me know so we can hook each other up, you with free shows and clothing discounts, and me with VIP rooms at the club. We can work it out.
Deuces,
Erika
(Also, Sarah Morrison, if you are reading, I like Nylon, but not half as much as I LOVE Missbehave. Haha :)
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I Hate Your Venti Stupid Shake!
btw, this guy's name is matt. so y'know.
Today I went to the doctor. (Collective gasp...) I am fine. Thanks for caring. Afterwards, I went with my mom to Starbucks, which is my mortal enemy, because not only is it a cult-ish establishment, but the people who go and work there are addicts. If Dr. Drew does not get to them soon, well, I fear it will be too late.
So anyway, my mom is badass. We pulled up to the drive-thru window, which is for Fatty Magoo Starbucks drinkers, and the lanky little nerd shilling out the coffee tried to sell my mom a tray of four cookies.
You obvi needed some Wellies to get through the shit he was spreading. She kept saying no, and he kept persisting. She said no, and he said they would cure cancer and help you live a long life.
Finally my mother said, "I want to die." The barista (statistically as perky as a Disney character) frowned and said, "You wanna die? We need to talk." My mom countered with, "I don't even need a receipt, I'm just gonna die."
The barista told us to have a good day. I almost felt bad. Not quite.
(PS: the title of this post was shouted by me at my mother when she insisted on turning the air on high since coffee makes her really warm. i turned the air down. she asked me what was wrong with me. i told her i hated her venti stupid shake, which was all i could come up with.)
Deuces,
Erika
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Oh No She Did!
I don't know why it took me so long to see this, but it did. This is worse than Yelle and CSS combined. It's like Uffie meets Peewee's Playhouse.
robyn: "konichiwa bitches"
Why?
Deuces,
Erika
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thx But No Thx
Once, I liked Gym Class Heroes. It was circa their first album. I saw them live, when the Tournado tour came to the Arena, and I thought Travis was uber sexy. At least his voice was. Then I saw an interview with Travvy on MTV and I fell out of love very quickly.
Anyway, this backstory is just to preface my hate and supreme dislike for his li'l cuz Tyga, who now has that ridiculous single "Coconut Juice" on Sucker Free on MTV2. Now don't get me wrong, I know Sucker Free isn't exactly a paradigm for real, true hip hop, but I mean, this song?
Not to mention the video is all wrong. There are some white hoes shaking asses in their corner, plenty of post-fab hipsters, and that annoying Tyga looks like he bought his whole wardrobe at Urban Outfitters. Not to mention Travis is tossing lines in. And there's a cameo from Pete Wentz, who, might I add, said, "This is Encino, not Compton."
What is that supposed to mean?! Suddenly Wentz listens to to Jay-Z and suddenly he can participate in economic and demographical stereotypes? I don't think so.
Whatevs. Maybe in ten years this will be like Will Smith circa "Willenium." I hope so.
Deuces!
Erika
