Wednesday, August 13, 2008

If You're Fatty And You Know It Clap Your Hands

Did you know that Lucy Ball was a size 12? And she was a model, but one of her legs was longer than the other so she had to wear special orthopedic shoes.

Whoa...this post is about to go from shallow to deep so fast I advise you to just put on your floaties now because you won't have time once you get pushed from the kiddie pool into adult swim. Oh yeah and stop me if this gets too "Sarah Morrison" Mr. Anonymous Fucker, but really fuck you and fuck off.

I'm not actually fat. Not by any standards, except maybe for the modeling industry, which, funnily enough, is what I'm choosing to base my body image off. I know, I know, bad Erika. Don't you know those bitches are starving themselves? Of course. Don't you know most of those photos are Photoshopped to oblivion? Hell yeah. Don't you know that's an incredibly unhealthy standard by which you choose to measure yourself? Do you think I'm stupid?

But using that logic, I must be because I still do it. Up until around 8th grade, I was a skinny girl. My metabolism was fucking out of this world. People used to worry about whether or not my mother fed me. You could've probably wrapped your pinky and thumb around my wrist. Then in high school I got lazy. I moved out of my old house (leaving behind my old friends) and into a big new neighborhood full of girls that weren't the outdoorsy type. I got stir crazy because I'd hung out with all guys in my old neighborhood. We rode bikes, played basketball, walked to Blockbuster, went swimming, played tennis, handcuffed each other and did various things (hey we were pretty sex-crazed little kids), but we could never stay indoors. If the temperature was above 20* and below 100* we were outside. But my new friends in my new hood were different. They were the girliest chicks I'd known. The only time we were outside was to walk to the car because we were going to the mall or the movies. When we went to the pool it was to tan. Sometimes we played Frisbee but someone would always get tired and suggest going inside to watch MTV.

So I just ate and ate (no, pot didn't help this) but never exercised. And I got heavier. In my freshman year I told myself by the time I was a senior I would be able to confidently wear a bikini. I tried to work out but I could never get my eating in order so it didn't make a difference. By the time I graduated HS, I certainly wasn't confident enough to put on a fucking bathing suit, let alone a bikini. I began to obsess about the bodies in the magazines and how gorgeous they were. My own body image got so skewed I didn't know what was fat or skinny anymore.

But I know I'm not fat. The last time I was weighed at the doctor, I was 132 pounds. That's not fat, of course it isn't. I'm a healthy size 6/8. Fuck, sometimes I wear a 4. And sometimes I wear a small. And then sometimes I wear a large. It's really whatever. But even at 132, I feel like I have a lot of weight to lose. I can't really tell what is and is not beautiful. Sometimes I can look at a magazine and see a girl with a flat stomach, tiny hips, no breasts, and a flat ass and I say, "Oh she's gorgeous." Then my bf's like, "Ugh, she's awful looking. I want a woman who looks like a woman." Which I suppose accounts for why he's with me. I certainly have a womanly body. The curves, the bosom, the hips, the huge ass. I try to force myself to be comfortable with it, but it's certainly a struggle.

I've starved myself before. I've been on a liquid diet. I've gone to bed hungry...a lot of times. I've denied myself food all day if I knew I would eat dinner with friends. I've measured every inch of my body with a tape measurer. It's extremely depressing. I've eaten out my stresses and worked out till I felt sick. I hate having so many issues with my body. I hate my body. As the legendary Tracie Egan once said (and I'm totally paraphrasing), "Some women look good for men and some women look good for women."

I don't do it for the men. Whatev. I like sex but I also like vibes. I do it for the women. For some reason, I feed off that feeling you get when you look good (and you know you look damn good) and as you walk past, chicks stop conversing just to watch you go by. I hear "There She Goes" by Sixpence None the Richer in my head. I feel unstoppable. I feel thin.

Deuces,
Erika

5 comments:

Valentina said...

Ugh, girl, I know exactly how you feel about this shit. Even though I know I'm fucking skinny, things about my body still bother me. I hate wearing jeans cause I think my thighs look too fat in them. I won't ever put on a bikini...if I'm going to the beach I stick to tank tops and shorts. I have no idea why I'm so obsessed. My older sister loves it when she gains weight, she was always really uncomfortable when she was my size. I'm trying to get over it though. I stick to wearing clothes that make me feel better (aka skirts and dresses). Plus to be perfectly honest, working at models.com and seeing so many of these girls in person has actually helped me with my body image. I mean, yeah these girls are tiny, but what they don't show you in magazines is just how miserable some of them look in person. I know it's the same bs they always tell you, but seriously, seeing these girls in person is actually kind of shocking for me.

And mean anonymous commenter, leave Erika the fuck alone! She's not trying to be Sarah Morrison, she's just being herself.

Erika said...

I can imagine how crazy that can be, working at a place full of models. Yeah, that would definitely be a reality check for me. Sometimes I put on skirts and think, "I'm too skinny" then I put on jeans and think "I look kind of heavy." I just wear leggings and anything that covers my ass, because I can't stand it at all. Girl, we will go on some kind of I <3 My Body Shopping Spree, trust.

MACK said...

Body image is such a prevalant topic today...I've been athletic all my life and just recently I found myself becoming more and more aware of my body image due to my lack of participation in an organized sport. I ran track and was a competitive cheerleader in high school and my first year of college, I wasnt on any team. It made me VERY aware of how little I was working out and everything. I've never been on a diet before, and I've never had any reason to be. My second year of college, I made the cheer team at my school and due to 3 practices a week plus 3 extra workouts, my body was in pretty damn good shape. It was great. At the end of the season, when I decided not to return to the team (thus ending my workouts) I started to notice my body a lot more, again. It's a vicious cycle. I def don't think I'm fat, but I do get on myself about working out....

"alex, you should go to the gym instead of sitting here eating ice cream and blogging"

"alex, you should get a salad instead of the baconator yove been craving all day"

I love food too much to ever deny myself, but in some ways its the thought thats worse than the actual action. What I HAVE been good about, is appreciating my body for what it is. Yes, I have moments of weakness...everyone does. I think my ass should be bigger or if my tits were a decent size, life would be perfect. But overall, I'm damn proud of who I am and what I am physically. Theres no other way to live, really.

Mz.Sullivan said...

Girl...do you! When I was your age, I was very obsessed with my body. My boyfriends relatives would often make comments about me being a lil thick and all, especially since they were used to me being mega skinny. I finally came to grips with understanding my body a couple of years ago. I had went on a diet due to having stomach problems, and I lost too much weight. The same people that thought I was thick, said I was too skinny. The moral of the story is, muthafuckers are stupid. It will take you a minute to get used to your body, but once you do, it will be second nature. Men fucking love my curves, and women envy them. My clothes actually fit!!! Hello! And as long as I stay at a nice size for me, whats the problem?! Nothing. Exactly.

lolitahazed said...

It's hard to escape the projected standards of beauty, no doubt at all. The media's scrutiny on the human anatomy gets worse and worse each year. It's really sad how women with such beautiful bodies gain insecurity so fast! But it's a girl thing. I have the metabolism of Speedy Gonzales and still freak out about the pooch on my belly. And like most of you said, I'm lazy as fuck so this adds to insecurity. I've got a lot of junk in my trunk, too, and from that I've gained the unfortunate family nickname of "Chubbly" or "Chubbles".

FORTUNATELY about the bikini thing, there are such beautiful one-pieces being made these days! I scored Insight's Robotica swimsuit on sale from Karmaloop this spring, and I'm totally in love with it. It turns heads and I feel hot. And you know, the body-image thing is one of the reasons I love Missbehave. The cover for Issue #8? Such a brilliant satire of women's magazines-- "LOSE 1O POUNDS (Or Don't! Nobody Cares!). Very refreshing.
I think a woman's body is the most beautiful thing in the world, and your boyfriend telling you that you look like one has to be one of the sweetest compliments ever-- and damn, Mz. Sullivan, well-put.

I have a confidence playlist on my iPod! I'll post it one of these days. It never fails to make me want to strut my stuff.