MGMT Can Have The Kids

A lot of tiny creatures in my life don't like me. Stray cats run from my touch. Babies pout at the sight of me. Woodland animals scatter upon my entrance. Toddlers see me and go the other way.
Sometimes my dog ignored me. I don't know what's wrong with me. It makes me worry about having children.

I'm pretty sure I want to have some. I'm also pretty sure I hate children. When I babysat, it was always tiring and grueling. I charged 4.00 an hour to babysit a brother and sister who pretty much watched themselves. But I still hated watching those children's TV shows. There was one DVD with a mouse/rabbit that spoke complete gibberish. Then there was Spot the Dog. That show was okay I guess. I thought it was inappropriate for them to call Helen Hel, though. It seemed wrong for children's TV.

Anyway, young children in my old neighborhood were constantly accosting me, even when I wasn't doing anything involving them. I would just be hanging out, talking to friends, when they would join convos. I would say mean spirited things to them, like "Leave us alone!" They remained undeterred. I would ask if they had friends their own age. They would answer yes. I would then say, "Why don't you hang out with them?" Unyielding. We took the convos inside.

Then, when I'm in any public place...grocery store, movie theatre, bathroom, mall, parking lot, what have you...there's always a badass kid doing stupid shit and a parent not controlling him. This happens to me in dressing rooms of shitty clothing retailers like Target or Kohl's. There's a little boy that always wants to try to peek under your door, like a little asshole in training. Parents stand there helpless while he stares at women oddly.

And then there's my personal family. I am not good with them either. When my cousin was about one and a half, I tried to hold her while stepping over a baby gate simultaneously. I was only about eight. I dropped her on her ass. This occurred again, only headfirst. I don't hold babies anymore from the trauma she/I endured.

I also worked at the Sanrio store for six kid filled months. Thanks to this prison sentence, I hate Hello Kitty and yet can rattle off all her friends by heart. It also really impressed into me a deep hate for spoiled little brats. And their parents.

My boyfriend told me if he ever has kids, he doesn't want them to turn out like me. He said this in regards to my eating habits, which are pretty childlike. He says that grilled cheese covered in ketchup and hot sauce, pickles with pepper, hot dogs and pudding, and Spaghetti-O's straight from the can are weird meal choices. I go, pssssh! I was raised on hot sauce. He just doesn't get it.

But then I thought...if I do have kids, do I want them to turn out like me? Drinking at 14, pot at 16, virginity gone at 18...hanging out with 20 somethings at 17 and networking to get into 21+ shows underage? I'm not sure if I would be disappointed or impressed. Or just send them off to boarding school in France?

Deuces,
Erika