Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Less Brown Side Of The Leaf

It would seem that everyone is in a bit of a funk these days. Well except Alex, who has no reason to be anything but ecstatic since she just got an article in a nationally published magazine. Which is awesome and completely snaps worthy. Oh, am I not conveying the enthusiasm? Sorry. !!!!! There we are then.

So a recent conversation with the dude in my life has opened my eyes completely. It led me to this realization.

My name is Erika and I am a bullshitter.
(Hi Erika.)

I have been half-assing my way through everything in my life. Just enough work in school to get me a passing grade, just enough effort in my work life to not get fired, just as much exercise to lose five pounds (only to gain it back), and just enough things I want to provide me with the minimal amount of happiness. I've never committed to a single thing in my life, only tried something for a little while and then complained that it wasn't working. But this is a terribly un-fulfilling way to live. It's gained me the reputation of never being serious about anything. Of being lazy. Of being noncommittal. And I'm all of that. But I'm none of that. But I'm tired of being like this. I'm in the height of my life, where the world is truly my oyster and I really can do anything. And goddammit, that's going to require me to commit to something. If I want the shit my heart desires I'm going to have to work and sacrifice for it. I can play later, right?

My boyfriend calls me and talks so happily about all the positive changes in his life and how good he feels. And I always feel bad, because fuck, I want that too. I want to be able to describe my life to people with such happiness in my voice and vivacity in my eyes, instead of the weary monotone and dull, glazed eyes I have now. No one can help me. They never could. It's all on me. And I'm going to do it.

I finally got a chance to write a completely new, fully badass, totally fuckmazing chapter in my book of life. I've got my gorgeously trannylicious leopard print, feather tipped fountain pen poised to draw the first line of that big letter at the beginning of fairy tales. And you better believe it's going to be an awesome letter. Like the scrolly, embellished kind with the little leaves and vintage emblems in the corners and whatnot.

You hear that world? Big changes are going down bitches! I'm going to work hard (at this slave labor job I have), I'm going to get a place of my own, I'm going to put effort into my relationships, I'm going to eat healthier, walk more, take opportunites, stop smoking (um, except those fantastic clove ciggies V has), I'm going to indulge in my hobbies, pursue my goals, sing more, laugh more, love more, and treat myself to a movie at the Sunset 5 once a month. I'm going to get amazing grades so my mom buys me a new laptop and I can stop using this hugenormous one from like 2002, with the broken N key, L key, and space bar. I will pay to have the internet put back on my Blackberry and talk to Smarah on BBM. I will paint my toenails and do my reading assignments when they are assigned. I will not let my surroundings get me down. I will not feel self-conscious when those LA brats stare me down. I will learn to live without my television shows and I will fight through the tears, the fatigue, the disappointments, and the anger so I can reach my potential. And maybe get a fucking haircut. Actually, I sort of like the shaggy mop that's taking shape on my head right now.

This is the promise I am making to myself.
(applause)

Deuces,
Erika

3 comments:

Rhea said...

Applause!!!

I'm kind of in the same place in my life where I realized I needed to get motivated and to get everything together.

I'm sure my friends got sick of hearing me saying I was going to do something and never getting it accomplished.

It takes a lot to say to yourself that you're not happy and to fix it.

I hope it works out for you.

MACK said...

yay for self-realization. everybody reaches an intersection in which a small (but firm) kick in the ass/head is needed from either ourselves or indirectly, from the ones around us who care about us (lovely boyfriend of yours). the time is now, e. get to it, girl! you have incredible potential--when you get my dream job, consider hiring me as your personal assistant. i promise not to conspire to steal your position. love!

Steve Kells said...

Good things come to people who wait. Stay positive, and you have nothing to worry about.