"If I Were A Rapist, I Would Come Here"

So you guys are probably expecting a full rundown of the debauchery that was Hard Haunted Mansion.

Sadly, I wanted to carry as little with me as possible (for dancing purposes) and so all I had on me was money, keys, phone, and gum (which the bitch at the front confiscated from me! I was like, bitch, this ain't food, it's appetite suppressant!), but no camera. So I will be referencing events and occasions using Whoopi's pictures as they are awesomer than whatever I could have taken. Also of note is the fact that for about thirty or forty minutes, and then a few more fifteen minute stints, V and I were separated from one another. This is, of course, because of craze boys, packed dancefloors, people trains, and the need to get a drink of water. So compare stories, ogle at pictures, and pretend you were there. Don't worry, enough ecstasy and soon it'll happen.

Things started off um, glitchy. We basically drove past the freeway exit to get to the venue, then wound up in Carson City (which is crap-ay), and had to turn around. But then we did pick up McDonald's, and did a little In N Out v McDonald's. Which I won. In my mind.

We did finally get to the Expo Hall, an hour after doors opened, and then proceeded to stand in line for another hour and a half while we got pushed and shoved by people trains, aka, the most annoying invention ever. Basically, six or eight or twenty two people join hands and walk through a crowd. These goddamn trains are unbreakable, and like real ones, never seem to end. I got ambushed by a group of girls wearing cheetah dresses. And then Robin pushed me. And then we found Waldo!

So once we were inside, we tried to find Simian Mobile Disco, but stumbled onto some Special Guest DJ instead. This is where the first craze boy of the night comes in. He started talking to V, and eventually, I was moved father back into the crowd, sort of completely losing sight of them. But I was getting my Jesus groove on, so I didn't notice. Guest DJ dude basically killed it. In the middle of all the club music, near the end of the set, he switched it up and played "Simon Says (Get the Fuck Up)" by Pharoahe Monche (for all you old school hip-hoppers), which was bananas. For like two magical minutes, all the ravers got crunk. It was awesome. Oh, but then this dude pushed me and I was about to go "Hey, don't fucking push me" but then he threw up right next to me and I just had to leave the area.

Then it was DJ AM. He looked and sounded fantastic, even after all the awful shit that went down a few months ago. Dude has some kind of iron will. He killed it too, and I got asked to dance by a gay shirtless Native American wearing glowsticks and a headdress.

After DJ AM was Crystal Castles. But they blew. And I didn't really get to see them since I was stuck in the back of the crowd where the kids were either fucking or tripping balls. And there were these Asian girls in pink wigs and wedding dresses hopping around but I'd lump them into category two. But I did dance to "Crimewave." So you know, yeah.

So I met up with V after Crystal Castles. She'd successfully ditched craze boy No. 1 and we traveled over to the Justice stage.

Um, whoa. Justice smashed it. Por serio. The set started off sounding super sick and somehow V and I were separated once again. This is where craze boy No. 2 comes in. I swear I looked at him once, in glance form, and then he grabbed my hand and basically told me I was going to dance with him. For a split second I thought about it and then said "Okay." Then he basically proceeded to dirty dance with me, which was weird, but fun, and then he really got into it and I started looking around like "Hey, I'm being molested kinda" but, like I said, everyone was tripping balls and didn't care. This, kids, is why you should always bring a rape whistle with you. Pomona provides some excellent ones, I hear.

After awhile he said he had to go find his friend and once he left, I hightailed it to a different spot. Then Justice played "We Are Your Friends" as paper confetti rained down. It had to have been the longest DJ set ever though...it went for like two hours. Then some club kids started making out, a girl stepped on my foot with her hooker boot, and some more kids started doing more ecstasy. And then someone played "A-Punk," which we had a ton of fun dancing to. Both V and I agreed that we were too tired to see Them Jeans (although he's still on my MUST SEE list) and so we walked the seven-ish flights of stairs (felt more like a milli) up the parking deck to my car where we sat for a bit, then made fun of the pseudo hipsters.

Finally, we stumbled into my apt and collapsed in our respective sleeping areas while watching Spice World. Hopefully I can toss in a few more event pics when they're available, or at least link up to this fab set I've stumbled upon. While I'm shitting bricks scared to go back for another HARD Haunted Mansion, I think I will if the line-up's as good as this year. Which brings me to something else. I have found my Halloween costume for next year:

That's right: I'm going to be Madeline. Only her blue uniform-ed version. Because, um, a chance to wear a capelet and white finger gloves at my age doesn't come everyday.

See you guys next year!