Monday, June 23, 2008

Open Letter To Seinfeld Lovers

First of all, let me start by saying hello. Hello. Okay, moving on...

You are a rare breed. You guys like to drop everything...eating, pissing, fucking...when you hear that Jerry's coming on the telly. You sacrifice sleeping to stay up in the hopes of catching one of those late night episodes that they randomly decide to air on TBS, only to be awake at 3 am for no reason. You know you have work in the morning, right?

And do you guys realize who you have to be to a) understand these jokes, and b) find them funny? You have to be a douche! Not a big one, worry not, but a love for Clint Eastwood, that movie Dirty Harry, comic books, and Karl Rove are pretty much a given.

How the hell do you find George's stuttering rambles amusing? Elaine is the only relatable character on that show and she's hardly ever in it! And don't try to pretend that you still think Kramer is the shit after those racist remarks got out. Front all you want, Sein-Fans, front. Keep using the line, "Because he's George!" as the rebuttal to every Seineld inspired argument you have.

(Typically, they go like this:)

Me: Why the hell are we watching this? Isn't Next on?
You: Next? Seinfeld's is on television!
[something unfunny goes down on screen, you start to laugh at it]
Me: Why the hell is this funny to you?
You: Because he's George!


Look, there's always a niche audience for every show (see: Gilmore Girls, Just Shoot Me, or Assy McGee). But if you insist on breaking up a fantastic makeout sesh with moi to watch Seinfeld's faded 90s jeans, some random parking lot humor, or to see Ben Stiller's dad, you should probably learn to master the convenience of recording shows. Yeah, it's called TiVo.

Alright. Good deal.