Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Boys I Love: Mitch Fatel

WELL, I do really like boys. And I know what they like. They like me. (Anyone catch that reference? Riiiiight...) So I thought I would start a feature that acknowledges the sexy mans I secretly wanna love on. And by love on, I mean lock in a basement, tie to the radiator, free only to have amazing sex con me or create some kind of entertainment in the hopes of being released from my crazy captive clutches, and feed only foods that would ensure their sexiness would never fade (read: Mike & Ike's, chocolate, wine spritzers...).

This post is about Mitch Fatel.

I personally harbor a secret and dangerous ardor towards most any and all comedians. And it doesn't stop at just the men. I have some hetero crushes on a few choice comediennes as well. No homo. But that's not the point.

The point is that you really cannot judge a book by its cover. Or a man by his appearance. Because while Mitch Fatel appears to be socially and physically awkward, and also teetering just on the edge of retardation, this man just may be all that, and more, but he is one of the funniest guys I've seen in a very long time.

Mr. Fatel is an eager bachelor that enjoys panties (on the women, of course), making sure women have an orgasm before he does (for the post sex sandwiches that inevitably follow), but does not enjoy masturbating in the shower (because his legs give out and he rips down the curtain).

He claims to be the leader of the mentally challenged, because he can still cut his own meat, and is sometimes afraid of women during sex because he had one girl that slammed his head against his headboard. Not so with me, Mitch, because I have no headboard. When he dies he wants to tell God that he did a good job when he made vaginas, and compares his enjoyment of doggy-style to a woman's enjoyment of a sunset.

Oh Mitch, you can come live with me in my pleasure palace. I'll pad the walls with bubble wrap and cut your meat for you. As long as you promise to keep me satisfied, I'll keep the egg salad sandwiches coming.